And You Are The One To Blame
by eloquentfever
Summary: 2nd in ED series. No relation to "I Am So Full of Shame". Kurt and Finn both struggle with bulimia and Kurt tries to plan out his suicide. Eventual Kinn. HIGHLY TRIGGERING. COMPLETE.
1. Kurt's Mindset

_WARNING: THIS IS VERY DARK, AND VERY TRIGGERY. this follows my ED series where two people are struggling with EDs. this one has both Kurt and Finn with bulimia._

* * *

Title: And You Are the One to Blame  
Rated: +13  
Summary: 2nd in ED series. No relation to "I Am So Full of Shame". Kurt and Finn both struggle with bulimia and Kurt tries to plan out his suicide. Eventual Kinn.  
Genre: Angst

* * *

Kurt Hummel was eighteen years old as of today.

He was a supposedly perfect 5'11.

The dial on his scale told him he was an alarming, revolting 143.4 on the dot.

His hair was too dark to be brown sometimes. His blue eyes were nothing special or to die for, even though he was sure he'd seen hints of yellow, green and grey in them sometime before.

His lips stretched too wide. He had legs that were surely made out of bowls of ice-cream as they had the consistency of a tub of lard.

Kurt Hummel had an eight-year-old cousin named Annie that he loved with all of his heart. And she loved him back with her princess-loving heart of gold.

He had a stepbrother that had the same disorder that was ripping his life into pieces.

He had a father that loved him for no matter what he was, and what he was had been a land of fucked up shit bottled up in a jar in his mind away from the rest of the world.

Sometimes, Kurt Hummel had fantasies of strangling himself until he could no longer breathe and died from lack of oxygen. Kurt tried to keep that part of him locked away, but that part resurfaced too much for too long.

Kurt Hummel hated every fibre of his being and wanted to hang himself off with an expensive noose around his neck.

They might even expect it if the noose was designer Prada.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	2. Kurt's Advice

Kurt can't really remember when it all started. He was suddenly fourteen years old, two hundred and fifty-eight pounds.

He had his birthday cake, chocolate drizzled on top of vanilla ice-cream cake, and he ate _three_ slices of it. Then he was standing in front of the bathroom with a toothbrush down his throat.

He didn't quite remember what triggered it. Just that he felt _sick_. He wasn't even sure was _sick_ meant.

The Cheerio's said that people who throw up their food must have some sick satisfaction from it.

Kurt can remember the first time he threw up his food. It made him _cry_. He cried so horribly. His throat was so swollen and constricted he thought he'd lost all ability to breathe. Every breath made his chest hurt. There was no sick satisfaction from the amount of self-hatred it took Kurt to throw up whatever he'd eaten.

He couldn't remember anything afterwards.

He remembered when he was staring at Finn's ass one time during Geometry at one-hundred and ninety-three pounds, and he was chewing a piece of chocolate-covered toffee, but he spat it out in a napkin just as he was leaving. The stickiness still on his teeth.

He remembered the first time he hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours descended into the hallmark of forty-eight, seventy-two, and at his worst, one hundred and sixty-eight hours.

He remembered lying down onto the ground, with hot tears running down his eyes from how uncomfortable he was due to the amount of food he'd consumed and still calling for more, begging for more food.

He remembered stuffing himself until his existence became uncomfortable, only to stand up just to throw it all back up again with those hot, salty tears running down his eyes.

He remembered sprinting across hills from one in the morning to three, crying over the whole pizza and box of chocolates he'd consumed that had not gotten up completely when he'd purged them.

He can remember the first time he found _it_ out. He had a bag of biscuits he wanted to eat and throw up that had mysteriously gone missing. He found Finn in his bathroom, hunched over, _Kurt's_ toothbrush in his hand.

So, Kurt said the only thing he could at that moment.

"The other one shoves in deeper."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	3. Kurt's Birthday

For some reason, Kurt didn't really mind sharing the same toothbrush with Finn when they threw up. Had it been that Kurt had preferred his knuckles. Finn preferred the toothbrush. Kurt sometimes found himself fantasising about if Finn can give him a blowjob by how deep Finn shoved the toothbrush in sometimes before his gag reflex gave in.

_You're sick you're sick _repeated into Kurt's mind, but what else was new?

Kurt said that it started on his fourteenth birthday to Finn. Finn just shrugged and mumbled something about just not remembering. Right now, as Finn looked up from Kurt's birthday cake that said _HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KURT_.

Kurt had insisted on an ice-cream cake without sprinkles. Sprinkles made throwing up a little uncomfortable for him.

Finn said hot fudge was really easy to purge but carrot cake kinda made Finn want to curl up into a corner and die. Kurt made a mental note to mention how much he despised carrot cake to his father, just so he can never experience that hell then. He had enough hells in reality.

Finn brushed past and murmured, "Happy anniversary, dude."

Four years since this hell decided to take him. What killed Kurt was that he wasn't even thin.

The other thing that killed Kurt was when Finn stepped on that scale in distaste and Kurt managed to catch the number after Finn left the room. _148.5._ Finn was only five pounds bigger than him and he was four inches taller. Kurt was disgusted at himself, revolted, but he will be thinner. He'd had this disease longer after all.

_How does that make any sense, you sick fuck? _

Finn was borderline underweight. Kurt's BMI was exactly twenty.

Kurt ate most of the cake and threw it up. His eyes watered as his chest burned. Tomorrow, he won't eat anything at all, he mused to himself. He got a text from Blaine saying happy birthday for the twenty-eighth time in a row. Kurt threw his iPhone to his bed, and fell on top of the bedside.

He had already planned out his birthday gift for next year, which hopefully was constant anaemia and to die choking on his own vomit.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	4. Finn's Realisation

The dizziness was going to make him throw up. And that was saying a lot coming from Finn Hudson.

With Sam, he'd burned off five hundred calories. Sam fed him nearly seven hundred calories of brown rice, beans, corn and salsa, telling him he needed to keep up his strength and some shit like that. All Finn knew was that brown rice made his throat felt like it was being ripped out from the inside when he threw it up. And now, he was dizzy again.

The world was strange in this constant haze sometimes.

He just wanted to go off and fall asleep after he came home. Kurt seemed to be standing on his doorway, looking down at his busted scale.

He liked Kurt's more because it measured in pounds and Finn didn't know what sixty-seven point five kilos meant anyway. He weighed in every Saturday morning most of the times because of the fluctuations. He hated how much his weight fluctuated in a day, especially with the excessive purging—

"Finn, you do know you're only five pounds bigger than me." He can nearly hear the anger in Kurt's voice. Kurt was really, _really_ jealous of him.

"Yeah, so?" Finn raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with that? Dude, are you…like jealous of me or something?"

Kurt's eyes widened. "I'm not jealous of you, Finn!"

"Yeah?" Finn challenged him as he curled his lower lip. "You _aren't_…right?"

"Are you accusing me of being _jealous_ over _you_?" Kurt finally said, voice full of contempt. "I am five pounds lighter than you. I had to drop down from two hundred and fifty-eight pounds… I lost nearly _a hundred and fifteen_ pounds. I am _not_ jealous of _you_…I…" Kurt drifted off.

"Fine." Kurt shut his eyes. "I am obscenely jealous of you. I was in this hell of a disorder for four years of my life. I had to lose so much weight to get to where I am compared to you and it isn't quite fair. You get the spotlights, the love, the adoration, and can you please just let me have this one thing?"

"Wow," Finn said, shaking his head. "You're fighting with me over who gets to have a mental illness. Hey, Kurt, I think you're a little screwed in the head or something."

"I want to die. I think you've figured it out by now." Kurt casually stated.

"Why do you want to die? I mean, that's kinda stupid," Finn murmured. Kurt looked appalled.

In Finn's mind, he can understand the need to be thin, but he did not have Kurt's suicidal tendencies. He just wanted to be as tiny as Rachel because that was how he felt. He wanted to be really fragile so that they can't put all of this pressure constantly on his head.

"It's stupid that I want to kill myself," Kurt said slowly. Finn blushed. He didn't know how else to put it. "Because that's really what I want to hear—"

"—just stop it. You knew what I meant," Finn blushed. "Look, Kurt, I'm really, _really_ tired and dizzy. I just kinda want to sleep. Can we just talk later?"

Kurt shrunk away. "I fucking hate you."

Finn looked up from his feet, and suddenly, his pulsing headache was the least of his worries. "Wha? Kurt, dude, it isn't like that. It's—"

Hot tears fell from Kurt's face. He looked furious at crying. "Can you understand that I want to die of it? Can you…slow this down so I can die peacefully first and then you can pick it up with how quick you want to deteriorate. It'll kill you too. There is no safe way to throw up all of your goddamn food, Finn! I'm just…I'm done with it." He said the last bit quickly. "I'm so fucking done with it."

"Okay," Finn said, nodding his head. "I won't…like lose any weight for the next couple of months, okay?"

Kurt slowly nodded his head.

"Wait, dude, you're really serious about killing yourself?" Finn finally realised, staring at Kurt's face.

"Oh, Prada, Finn! What the hell do you think? Of course I am serious about killing myself. Did you think it was all some big elaborate joke? So just let me be. Thank you for understanding."

He pushed past him. Finn was sort of numb. He felt like he can be pricked by all sorts of needles, and not feel a thing and to be honest, Finn hated and was kinda scared of needles. He looked back as Kurt stormed off. Finn collapsed on his bed, falling asleep for the first time in three days.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	5. Finn's Sacrifice

Finn wasn't sure about how he felt about all of that, just that he really wanted to throw up. He couldn't though. He promised Kurt. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing but Kurt wanted it, didn't he? Kurt really wanted to die. Finn didn't know if he should be giving him hope and telling him not to do anything, because Kurt had this notebook of ways to kill himself. He wanted to reach a certain weight before. Finn knew why. Years of abusing his body by throwing up, fasting, binging and abusing pills led Kurt to believe he had to be underweight before he died. Finn understood that bit at least. Why anyone wanted to die he had no clue.

He might ask Rachel or Puck – Artie, maybe, Artie was really smart – and just exclude Kurt's name.

"What did you have for lunch today, Kurt? Finn?" Carole prodded. That one thing Kurt didn't like about his mother, was that she always prodded at what they ate and what they didn't eat. Of course, she wasn't around so they could lie.

"A lovely garden salad as a starter along with some low-fat pasta with fat-free Parm and tomato sauce. I fed Finn the same thing, though I have to say it was rather amusing seeing Finn's face scrunch up in defeat when he tasted the delicate rosemary I managed to hide away in the sauce," Kurt's lying was just so easy that even Finn believed him and Finn knew he was hitting the gym with Sam and ate lunch with him.

Finn nodded. "What he said," he added on as if to make the story more convincing. Kurt didn't stress on the lie, which made it really believable, as he took a spoonful of the lasagne.

"I sort of wanted to try out for swimming – not synchronised though." Finn scrunched up his nose in distaste. "But I lag by like…eight seconds and I need to fix that."

"Finnegan, eight seconds—"

"It makes a big difference, Mom," Finn looked down at the lasagne. It smelled really good. He wondered how much he'd gain if he kept it inside of him, how good the cheese must taste with the meat, how yummy it was, how much he loved pasta and how disgusting he was for even thinking about eating such a large portion. He also thought of how he'd all of those carbs and all that grease in his body. He can imagine Sam would've thrown up just at the sight of it. Kurt was prodding at his lasagne and if Finn didn't eat, it will kill Kurt. He promised Kurt, too. He took a stab of the lasagne and ate. He'd even offer to eat Kurt's plate for him.

Finn took a bite out of the lasagne. He felt a stab at his throat. All he can think about was how many calories he was consuming and how much oil his Mother used. Yeah, it was olive oil and healthy, but he didn't want to get up just in case he'd thrown up unintentionally. He felt impure and wrong. He couldn't enjoy one bite out of it. If he threw it up, he'd feel okay, but he can't throw it up.

When Carole and Burt were taking, Kurt and Finn swapped plates. It was such a quick exchange that none of the parents noticed. As Finn ate more food on top of the satiation, he realised how fat he felt like. He was probably like a million pounds – or kilos according to his scale – by now.

Kurt grabbed his hand. Everything erased from Finn's mind – talking to Artie, the guilt of the food weighing in his stomach – as Kurt whispered, "Thank you."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	6. Kurt's Frustration

Kurt had pretty much had a fourth of his vitamin supplements. They were pills and so gross that he didn't feel like eating afterwards. He'd had twenty-five pills and now, had a headache. He was quite sure he wasn't supposed to have twenty-five of them but he was dying of hunger on that particular day.

He gave up and broke his fast with Blaine Anderson in his house. He got one of Blaine's one hundred and twenty calorie soup cans and munched on three rice cakes when the soup was heating in the microwave.

When Blaine had seen Kurt practically shove a whole rice cake down his throat, Blaine laughed. "Calm down, Kurt. It's not gonna disappear. You act like you hadn't eaten all day sometimes."

"Don't be ridiculous, Anderson," Kurt murmured, mouthful of water slowly after the ingestion of the rice cake. He'd heard water was supposedly an appetite suppressant. He'd had three litres so far and it was seven pm. He was still starved and felt like his stomach was cutting itself into ribbons.

"I missed you yesterday. Where were you?" Blaine said after a moment as he kissed Kurt's shoulder. Kurt had lost pretty much twenty-three pounds since he'd known Blaine but Blaine was as blind as a bat to these things sometimes. He'd never mentioned Kurt's figure positively or negatively and Kurt wasn't sure how to feel about that at all.

Kurt shrugged. "Planning my demise when graduation is done with and how I'm going to hang myself with my rather elaborate Chanel scarf."

Blaine laughed. Kurt always knew Blaine thought Kurt's humour was a bit dry. Kurt never quite told him he was serious.

"Care for a story?" Kurt murmured.

"Of course," Blaine chirped, sitting down and taking a spoonful of too cheesy mac and cheese as Blaine munched tactfully.

"I have once hated a boy so badly that I wanted to choke him to death with a spoon," Kurt murmured. "Since I'm not going to give out names, I will call this boy Flynn. Flynn who is a fat good for nothing, that picks on me and prods at my figure. Flynn's disgusting enough to make me projectile vomit. I have elaborate fantasies where I want to smash Flynn's head in with a skillet filled with oil. Flynn likes to test limits and hopes to push himself just to see how far he goes. He smiles when he means to grimace. He probably is a psychopath. He has lovely vivid fantasies of swallowing bottles of pills down his throat…"

"I'm sorry, Kurt," Blaine shook his head. "I'm not following. Are you just saying that Flynn is this suicidal maniac that makes you feel bad about yourself?"

"Quite," Kurt murmured.

"You're perfect to me," Blaine said in a sing-song voice. _Of course, because a song is going to save him from his shattered self-worth. _Kurt wished he can thrash his head in the mac and cheese. Blaine's face turned sombre. "Hey…were you talking about Finn?"

Kurt quickly looked away from his hands. "What?" he said, voice sharp. _I was talking about me, Blaine! If you'd just paid attention—_

"Finn lost a lot of weight," Blaine finally added on. "Haven't you noticed?"

"Haven't the slightest clue," Kurt venomously replied. "He's been quite stressed." He added on as an afterthought just to even out the play and give Finn a step ahead. Finn would've done the same. He would've lied to Mercedes or Rachel for him if it ever came to that. _Had it ever come to that? Fifteen hundred pounds and nobody's fucking said a word. Not even your dad who just thought your metabolism finally caught up with you or some shit. _Kurt honestly wanted to scream. How can they _not_ notice him disappearing into a small butterfly? _How_ can they ignore a _fifteen hundred_ pound drop in his weight?

He'll silently not say a word at all though. _You're fucking sick._ Why? Because when he will kill himself, he was selfish enough to hope his father will clutch his underweight, malnourished body and cry hard for him to come back but it would be too late—

_It's always too fucking late._

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	7. Finn Snaps

Finn Hudson was being pulled to a buffet-style restaurant. He felt pale, slightly afraid, like he'd gained all the weight from the food just by staring at it. The only thing he was interested in was the desserts. He weighed himself yesterday and nearly cried when he saw the 68.9 kilos pressing against the scale. He wasn't sure what that number meant, just that it looked sort of big, and it was close to the 70's which had to meant he was a glutton. He knew he had made a promise to Kurt. He even talked to Artie, just a bit. He never mentioned Kurt's name but he picked up a really dark book from Kurt's shelf with a black cover and kinda skewed up poetry. He pretended to read for a bit and then asked Artie in a really non-suspicious way what he'd do if his friend was going to kill himself.

"I'd have to get them help," Artie quickly said. "There's no way that's okay. You do know how serious it is, right?"

Artie's words lay heavily on his mind. Finn just watched Kurt pile on a really yummy potato salad on Finn's plate. He wanted it. He wanted all of it, but he was freaking petrified of weighing anymore. He just wanted to eat everything and throw it up and be safe in his corner. He had felt so self-conscious of his weight and height. He felt like every time someone looked up at him, they just laughed at how fatty his man boobs were. Finn wanted to eat, so he did. He ate some potato salad, some rice, some mushroom soup, some lasagne, some noodles and Kurt was picking at a leafy salad and eating it as slowly as possible. A leafy salad with a lot of broccoli, bell peppers and courgette. It barely had any calories! And here Finn was, stuffing himself with a lot of food.

Burt was spooning creamy clam chowder when Kurt prodded him with a spoon. "Do you know how fattening those cream-based soups are? They aren't good. Stop eating that and go get yourself something broth-based, Dad."

Burt mumbled something about 'not even liking soup' as he shoved the clam chowder towards Finn. Finn also had dessert. Kurt literally had a tablespoon of the cake and then spat it into a napkin. After they were done, Finn got himself some ice-cream from Baskin Robbins on their way out when Carole offered to buy it for him. "You're looking exceptionally thin, love."

Finn just wanted to laugh because he felt like he weighed a tonne. He got a caramel ribbon, with brownie bits, crushed cookies, and more chocolate. He felt so sick of it, but he ate it all, and then he felt full and uncomfortable. He felt like he was going to explode as small amounts of calories slowly made him gain nine kilos. Finn dashed to the bathroom. He could not handle it. Kurt's eyes flew open with surprise as he followed him. Kurt had to do it. He just had to. Burt walked in after just because Kurt had dashed in so quickly. Carole waited outside the bathroom. Kurt saw her toying with her HTC as she waited for them. Finn was panicking and his heart was hurting him. His stomach was full of nausea. He wanted to throw up so bad.

Finn threw up quickly, as he threw it all up. The lettuce hurt to throw up.

"Are you throwing up your food _again_, Finn? Didn't we talk about this?" Finn's heat was hurting him because Kurt was practically telling his parents what he was! _Screw it to hell_. Finn just went on deliberately making himself sick, shoving his fingers down his throat and watching it all come down. It was so effortless, the ice-cream tasted good coming back up. The potatoes disgusting. The rice sticky. The mushroom soup effortless. The lasagne and noodles were so messy and made him nauseous. "Stop it, Finnegan! Dare you go back on the promise that you would never do this again for me! You promised this for _me_, remember?! Fine, Finn! Go ahead! Throw it all up! Puke your food away. Die from malnutrition because you are destroying your body—"

Finn flushed and left the toilet. He finally was met with a guilty-faced Kurt and a shocked Burt. He can't believe Kurt, of all people—who understood him and what he went through…he can't believe he had outed him like that. He can do the same, except the only thing that settled in his numb and dizzy mind was that he was angry. The blood in his skin boiled. He quickly punched Kurt's stomach and then his knee dug into Kurt's face, pulling him backwards. That was the breaking point for Burt, who grabbed Finn by his shoulder and pulled him away from Kurt.

"Enough!"

Finn shut his eyes as hot tears filled his eyes. Kurt looked away, ashamed to have tears welling up in his eyes. "I WILL FUCKING SHOW YOU, KURT!" he angrily exclaimed. "I WILL SHOW YOU! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING FAT—"

Kurt looked so pale. Finn knew he hit a new low but he wanted to show Kurt just how badly he'd hurt him, by hurting him on the same level, by exposing something. Finn always thought Kurt was agile, and lithe, beautiful and in control. He'd never thought he was fat in his life, but now, he was drilling it into Kurt's mind. He knew he was. One thing he shouldn't ever tell Kurt was that he was fat. Kurt suddenly looked so pale that he threw up unintentionally. Finn paled completely as well. He'd never hurt someone so much that they threw up because of him. Burt moved towards Kurt now, securing him.

Finn just stood there, stunned, exposed…and feeling like the most disgusting thing on the planet.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	8. Kurt's Confession

Finn walked out with Carole's hand on his shoulder. She was angry at him for lashing out on Kurt like that, but her eyes were pools of concern and he can't look at them right now. Kurt didn't say anything afterwards. He looked so pale that he was a sickly grey pallor. Finn felt horrible for what he'd said. Kurt looked like he was full of guilt, too. Burt had a stern look on his face. They were in the car. Finn wanted to throw himself off a cliff at that very moment, where his anxiety was twisting in his chest and escalating.

"Didn't you learn anything from the first time, boy?" Burt finally asked Finn.

Finn wanted to shrink away.

"What first time?" Carole said, looking back at Burt with a quizzical eyebrow.

Burt didn't say anything as Kurt finally spoke up. "Finn…said some things about my sexuality when you were dating and Dad kicked him out of the house for a day or so when you were visiting—"

Carole had pushed her heel against the break when Burt was the driver. It sent both Finn and Kurt flying backwards. Carole was panting now. "You did _what_?"

The tension can be cut with a knife. Kurt and Finn knew not to say anything.

Burt looked back at Carole. "He stepped out of line with Kurt—"

"So you kicked out a _sixteen_-year-old boy that didn't know any better? Who knows, Burt! He could've been provoked by Kurt or—"

"Kurt will never provoke Finn—"

Kurt shut his eyes and then said in a soft, scratchy voice. "I did," his voice was soft. "I stalked him, and that's…that's why I introduced you to each other, to get closer…to Finn and…" he didn't say anything else. His eyes twinkled softly under the dim-lit night.

The world would break and shatter at this one bit here.

"Kiddo," Burt sounded so betrayed.

Kurt shut his eyes again as hot tears welled up yet again. Finn's stomach sloshed uncomfortably. Finn and Burt had a quick glance as Finn paled under the hazy streetlights. They didn't say anything else as they dove. They drove in the deafening silence and then after, Finn and Kurt practically sprinted to their rooms and locked the doors. Finn pulled himself against his bedside, and held his head in his hand. Kurt had weakly made his way to the bathroom to throw up whatever he'd eaten that had upset his stomach – as Carole and Burt's constant fighting filled the house late at night. Each defended their own child, as Kurt cupped his head in his hands as the sound of his Father angrily still protecting him even with the new knowledge at hand. Finn shut his eyes and tried to fall asleep with the sound of his Mother mentioning how young and innocent he was. The house came to a dull silence at three am. Finn and Kurt knew the exact time, because they were still wide awake.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	9. Kurt's Jealousy

_double update!_

* * *

The minute Kurt woke up, he couldn't take it. He had driven to a nearby coffee shop, mimicked a phone conversation with Mercedes about how many cookies they needed and how many people were coming, complained about price and bought twelve macadamia white chocolate chip cookies from the counter. Each one was at least three hundred and fifty calories. He asked the man to warm them up, got the fattiest drink on the menu, complained about the non-existent get-together he was having and then ate all twelve in the car in five minutes along with lovely, fattening whipped cream frappuccino first. He then proceeded to throw it up into the frappe cup when he was driving.

He honestly did not care if he died that day driving. He was reckless and his eyes deterred from the road at least twenty-five times in a minute just so he can spew in a cup when he was driving. By the time he got home, he was barfing in the coffee shop bag and threw it out in the back kitchen before anyone got a chance to see he'd even eaten anything at all.

Carole saw him sitting down and starting to make a great deal of food. He'd eaten two Ritz crackers, two Italian sausages, and eight peanuts, along with a lot of milk that he threw up just a moment after he'd eaten them but Carole didn't go up and see that. By the time he came back, he sipped his coffee and watched Carole shove down a plate towards Finn. A plate full of eggs, toast, Italian sausage, pancakes and a cup of milk. She placed a hand on Finn's shoulder.

"Eat up," Burt said as he passed by Finn. Kurt couldn't handle the irony of the situation as he slowly sipped his coffee, eyes on Finn, wondering if he'd eat anything. The two eggs that were on his plate were hard-boiled so Finn just ate the white part. Kurt watched Finn ingest only about thirty calories. He knew that Finn now had to restrict his intake since they'd be watching him throw up. He pushed his plate after he was done with the egg whites, signalling that he was done and didn't even look at the milk.

"Hey, eat all of it," Burt instructed him.

"Finnegan, please—"

Finn shook his head and looked for the sweetener to make himself a cup of coffee. Carole looked heartbroken. Burt hadn't even seen Kurt eat. Carole had though and that was apparently enough. She never checked where he went just straight after he'd ingested those calories. They trusted what he'd said about him telling Finn to stop. It was true, somewhat, but he never mentioned the fact that he wanted to die a causal lovely death.

Finn shook his head and Carole's face was soft. "He'll eat when he's ready," she sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

"When?" Burt finally snapped. "Look at him. He barely weighs anything."

Kurt's head suddenly hurt him. He wanted to scream and say that Finn didn't lose as much weight as he did, that he was lighter but the BMI difference was horrific considering Finn's height. Right now, Kurt was looking at Finn – really looking at Finn, and found out that his wrists wee bony, his collarbones prominent and if Kurt brushed past him slowly enough, he can feel his bones ripple from behind Finn's shirt, yet in Kurt's mind, none of that mattered, because it was all what Kurt wanted and sicker as well. He wanted to look so fragile and sick that _nobody_ can _dare_ pick at him, because they'll be afraid will be the final straw before he would _shatter_.

_Your brother has a large frame. You and him both know that the weight he's at? It has a lower BMI than you think because of how his weight is distributed. You are sick. You are sick, sick, sick, and your brother is practically teetering across the edge of a dangerous zone and you're thinking about outdoing him, Kurt? You're sick, you are **sick**. _Kurt heard a snide voice not unlike his own pick apart and criticise him as he laid down beside a sleeping Finn that night, running a hand down Finn's hipbone only to feel sudden sharpness jutting at him from an abnormal angle. Kurt truly just wanted to feel disgust, revolt, retaliation—

The _only_ emotion that filled him was hot envy.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	10. Kurt's Jealousy - 2

_okay. i have decided to post all chapters i have done so far. that means...30 more of these? i guess._

* * *

Kurt was silent as days passed by. He usually ate in the mornings and threw it up then seldom ate for the rest of the day unless he was with Blaine and he purged that up too.

_Blainey never checks. Blainey thinks you keep everything down and you're the perfect boyfriend. You're his fucking fantasy and you always screw things up._

Kurt chewed and spat out cookies and granola bars when he was watching various television shows that he hated because they were all corny. He watched reruns of movies that he used to watch with Blaine.

_Blaine Blaine Blaine. You're jealous of him too, aren't you? Because he's tiny. He's tiny and he can't maintain his weight because he likes to box when he's stressed and you hate that about him. You hate how you have to tell Blaine to get on the scale just to see the number drop down a little bit more every time. Blaine's lost thirty-five pounds since you've known him. Thirty-five. None of them were intentional. **None** of them._

Kurt hadn't weighed himself in days. He'd spent weekend after weekend avoiding his family feuds. His Father's lecture about how this bulimia thing can hurt Finn and make him choke on his vomit or something as Kurt struggled to throw up a piece of raw celery that was stuck midway through his throat.

Finn stood on Kurt's scale after a few days. When it flashed 147.0, the level of _done_ that Kurt had felt couldn't be fully explained. Finn was underweight, just by a decibel on normal BMI (when Kurt knew Finn's frame was _anything_ but normal), _but he was underweight_. He was flipping gorgeous. He watched Finn leave as Kurt cupped his head in his hands, sobbing his heart out as he heard his Father's voice, over and over in his head.

_"Look at him. He barely weighs anything."_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	11. Finn's Calmness

Finn went for a spin class with Sam. They ran back to Sam's house, laughing about who was faster. Finn liked Sam. He was cool and gave him a sort of nice daze. Sam always beat him by a fair three minutes with running. They walked up to see Sam's sister pulling out Barbie's by their hair and smiling brightly at Finn. Finn usually had to play with Ken, mimicking a voice that was kinda insulting to Kurt's vocal range. Sam and him did a round of Pilates and yoga too when they were done. It was nice to lie down together.

They both felt light, as Sam allowed Finn to sit beside him. Finn used Sam's shower and wore some of his older, bigger clothes. He insisted on a hoodie too so Sam couldn't tell that he lost any weight. Finn was a master of striped shirts and hoodies just for hiding excessive amounts of weight lost. He wore one of Sam's hoodies, and a jacket on top just in case, along with a baggy pair of Sam's that used to fit him like fifty pounds ago. Sam's mother made fried dumplings with rice for lunch and Finn ate all of it with zeal. He even ate half of Sam's since Sam had like a protein shake before with a banana and he wasn't that hungry. After the rice and dumplings, Finn went in and got himself an apple, a few baby carrots and crushed a lot of granola in a whole thing of yoghurt, and just threw it all up the minute he decided to go "play with your sis, Sam, okay?"

Finn came back and felt like he'd hurt Sam or betrayed him or something by throwing up. He can see his Mother's horrified face again in his head. "Hey, Sam," Sam looked up from his game console and then raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

Finn just looked at him for a while before he pressed his lips against Sam's. It was completely impromptu but Sam pulled him close, resting a hand on Finn's hip when they were making out underneath the lights. Their tongues danced and the exchanged saliva and butterfly kisses. "What was that for?" Sam asked later on, smirking as Finn looked back down at his feet.

"Uh, I guess that I sorta just wanted to for a while," Finn finally admitted.

"Open your mouth," Sam murmured as Finn opened his mouth at Sam's command. Sam leaned down and captured his lips with Finn's for a few more times. Finn remembered that he was in a current 'off' with Rachel, so this was definitely okay relationship-wise, but he can't help but think that something was wrong and something was making him more likely to throw up. It was probably the fact that Sam was a boy. Finn felt small and fragile in Sam's arms. The thing was that Finn didn't want to be with any other boy, _just_ Sam. His mind replayed over their run together and him practically chasing to keep up with the same pace as Sam.

Just as they were making out, Sam pulled away. "You taste like puke." He joked.

Finn suddenly looked like he was panicking.

"Hey, I'm joking," Sam said, as he pulled Finn close again. "You taste sort of like chocolate milk." Finn did have a cup of chocolate milk just so he can keep the binge-y feelings from returning. Finn slowly nodded his head, told himself with all the exercise he did, he needed the amount of nutrients and minerals and shit from the chocolate milk. He can't believe how worked up he was getting over chocolate milk as Finn roughly captured Sam's mouth in a kiss, their tongues twisting.

"Sam?" his mother broke them apart.

"I am so sorry, Mrs Evans and—"Finn was flushing deeply, as she laughed.

"Dear goodness, Finn, sweetie, calm down." The woman responded with a glittering smile. "I'm not homophobic." Sam then rested his hand on Finn's shoulder, rubbing it almost as if calming him down.

"But I'm not gay. It's just Sam is kinda an exception," Finn finally said.

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Was it my abs?" Finn's eyes met with Sam's as Finn shook his head before laughing. Sam's mother asked them for what they wanted for dinner. When Sam heard that his siblings wanted pizza, he simply said, "thin crust!" and reminded his mother to have a lot of veggies on it. Finn realised that he really liked making out with Sam, and that Sam's lips tasted really soft because of the chapstick. They didn't really understand what it meant but Finn's fuzzy brain felt nice, like it was finally at peace, but lying down with Sam just made him feel as fat as a house.

Eating and purging pizza, he managed to send a message to Carole, saying he won't be home for supper as he slept beside Sam on the same bed. Sam's parents trusted them as long as the door was wide open and it was. Finn slept on the same bed, turned to the left side where he was met with portraits of Sam's face in lovely pictures. The darkness lulled him to sleep. That day, it was calm, and then came the storm.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	12. Kurt's Irritation

Kurt Hummel was supposedly supposed to pick Finn up from his little weekend sleepover. He found Finn and Sam kissing against the wall. Kurt's heart practically thudded in his chest. He can think of all the times Finn said he was _not_ gay. He practically hated them right now. When Finn saw Kurt, he pulled Sam off, laughed with him for a bit, they said something about running that Kurt can vaguely here.

"One day, we might kinda run away from this shithole called high school," Sam laid a hand on Finn's shoulder. They hugged very briefly, before Finn turned to Kurt. The rest was buried in silence as a storm raged into Kurt's eyes. The greyness was darker by every second and every step of the way as Kurt sat down in the car. He looked completely angry and Finn didn't know what to say. Kurt felt an ache in his heart that anchored to his stomach.

"Why?" Kurt asked after the silence reached its peak.

"He kinda makes me happy." Finn said after a while.

"Okay," Kurt responded quickly, voice dull.

"Why do you care? You're _with Blaine_—"

Kurt stopped the car in the middle of the empty road. It was a Saturday and it was really early. Kurt looked like he was devastated and he was.

"Because," Kurt began, trying to contain the wobble in his voice, "you were my crush for about five years of my life. At first, I thought I was so fucking fat that—"

"—I _never_ thought you were fat."

Kurt looked up to see Finn's face and realised how sincere those eyes were. "Look, dude, whatever I yelled at you when I was angry…none of it was true. You're cool and you kinda make me happy too, but Sam is…he makes me…I don't know. Like something twists in my stomach and I get all nervous? And when he just texts me to go to the gym with him I do and it's amazing and—"

"Okay," Kurt snippily cut him off.

"I love you, you know?" Finn said, and then the next bit made Kurt feel like throwing up. "You're like my big brother, remember?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	13. Kurt's Thoughts

Finn looked down. He looked at Kurt then, noticing how tiny his wrists were. He'd never quite noticed that before.

Kurt didn't really talk to him for most of the day.

Finn picked at his dinner and so did Kurt. The tension in the house was incredibly.

Carole told Finn to eat his food, and Burt told Kurt that if he started to look like Finn, he'd throw him in a hospital. That was enough to make Kurt slam the fork, and walk upstairs. Finn couldn't really blame him at all.

Kurt laid down on his bed, holding his face in his hands. He had elaborate fantasies in his head of how he was going to kill himself. He thought of this quite often. When he'd touch a BMI of 16.4, which would be at 117.5 pounds, he wanted to hang himself with his scarf.

He thought of slitting his wrists, but that seemed too predictable in his minds. He wanted something that was tragically beautiful in some sense.

Kurt had visuals of lying in a field of dead roses and someone finding him sometimes, then holding him. Or during school where Mr Schue would look for him and find him pale and dead in one of the English classes, with nearly black blood pooling from his head from blowing his brains out with Burt's handgun.

They go out to dinner the next night. There was a bread basket. Finn and Kurt ate seven pieces of the bread. Kurt stuck to a chicken salad. Finn ate spaghetti.

Finn and Kurt left about thirty minutes after to go 'meet up with Blaine' as Kurt hid behind a bush, gagging and spluttering, getting it all out. Finn couldn't get anything out.

For the first time in that week, Kurt bit his lower lip and murmured, "I have laxatives in my car."

He gave Finn the box and Finn took eight of them at once. Kurt said nothing as Finn gave him back the box. "Thanks, man."

Finn realised that normal people didn't quite do this, but Kurt didn't look like he was registering this fact.

After the purge, Kurt's face was bloated and his eyes were red. Finn hadn't noticed that before but when Kurt purged, he looked like he was crying for nine hours straight. His face was so swollen and his stomach was really bloated. That was probably why nobody can pick up on Kurt's weight loss because Kurt purged like a lot but he was always puffy and bloated. Finn had seen him without the bloat and in Finn's mind, Kurt was like an untouchable angel. When he bloated, he can pass off as average but he was ethereal thin when he wasn't.

The next day went by so strangely. Kurt felt guilty about being with Blaine with Finn's words running in his head over and over again. _"Why do you care? You're_ _with Blaine_—"

Kurt had a bowl of cereal and milk which he threw up, a salad he'd kept down and three cups of hot chocolate with nothing more.

When he was in Blaine's arms, he realised he'd forgotten to feel anything. He felt completely numb. Blaine had a bright smile on his face and Kurt was quite the master of everlasting gloom. He fell asleep in Blaine's arms, softly lulled by the sounds of his own melancholy as he replayed visuals of suicide over and over again in his mind as a very soft smile appeared across Kurt's dry lips.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	14. Finn's Weight

Sam liked to run to the gym and back to his house. They were short fifteen minute runs to and from the gym, but it was nice.

They did an hour of Pilates. It was really relaxing.

Sam told him to not do any weight lifting else his muscles would deteriorate if they did it for more than three times a week. Finn didn't really think he had any muscles since he never fed his body enough to gain it.

He liked sitting with Sam. He ate breakfast with Sam, scrambled eggs, banana, grapes, strawberries and a glass of milk that was really easily coming up.

He snacked on cucumbers, apples, blueberries and grapes with Sam all day as they watched movies. He didn't really throw them up. He was just too happy to throw them up really. He didn't know why, but with Sam, the world was kinda at ease. Sam never mentioned Finn's body but he mentioned his own a lot, kinda like Kurt did. Finn felt adorable, tiny and beautiful next to Sam sometimes, and sometimes were usually enough. Just for a bit.

"Hey, does your scale weigh in pounds?"

Sam, whom was distracted staring at Finn's face, had been completely thrown off. "Hmm? Yeah, I guess. Why?"

Finn shrugged. "My scale weighs in kilos and it's really bad because I don't know what it means if I weigh sixty or seventy or eighty or any of that."

"Well, you multiple the number with two point two. I'm like seventy four point five kilos so I multiply that by two point two and you get 163.9 pounds, like around 164." Finn nodded his head. "Why? What does yours say?"

Finn didn't know what to say but the actual number. "Sixty-five point nine."

Apparently, Sam didn't need to do much multiplying on that bit as he bit down his lower lip. "Hey, you can't weigh that little. It goes into the underweight range. Has to. It's like 145 pounds or something and dude, you're six-foot-three, so that's _not_ okay unless you have a really small frame and you don't. Actually, you have a big frame 'cause your wrist measures at like seven point seven inches or something so you're even more underweight than the BMI tells you because when you have a bigger frame, you subtract ten percent of your BMI. Hold on…"

Finn felt sick now, but he can't move. He was numb, like needles were piercing through his skin and when Sam made the calculations, his face went paler still. "Did you know if I'm right about your frame, then you have a BMI of 16.3, right?"

"Is that bad?" Finn croaked. Of course, he knew it was bad.

"Dude, it is. You're like the skeleton in people's closet or something." Sam sighed.

"Hey," he smirked. "We can bulk you up and you get eat more ice-cream and shit like that. How does that sound? Plus, you can take it easier. Lift more weights. More protein. Have more healthy fats, and hey, you can spare those Doritos too if you want."

Finn smiled. "But hey, you don't think anyone can spare Doritos," he added on teasingly.

"Come on, you thin freak," Sam nodded towards him. "I'll take you to Midway and you can have all the Doritos you want. It's all on me."

Finn bought a lot of Doritos. Cool Ranch just so he can spite Sam with it. They laughed as Finn ate Doritos and played with Sam. Then when they made out, Sam was pretty much into it. He murmured something about 'the power of Doritos' making Finn chuckle, and for the first in a really long time, Finn _wanted_ to keep it all in him. They stayed beside each other as Finn looked up into the ceiling in some soul-searching manner.

"You know I'm this really average guy, right?" Finn finally said after a period of silence. "Like you're this Adonis like person and I'm pretty much this guy with some failures, some successes – like Kurt tutored me enough to pass Spanish. I live in this tiny place in my head where everything's pretty simple. If you like saw me walking down the street; you wouldn't even look at me. I'm just that…average I guess, so why me? You can have like a million of me—"

"Fuck off. _You_ don't even know you," Sam said, as he placed a hand on Finn's hip. "'Cause of you did, you'd know you're not average at all. Unless average thinks he got his girlfriend pregnant."

Finn chuckled. That statement sort of made him smile. Just a bit. "That's supposed to make me feel better?"

"No," Sam said in a confident voice. "It's supposed to make you feel good. You think Rachel is smart, right?"

Finn nodded his head and then Sam said. "She said something about being a part of something special making you special?" Finn nodded his head as Sam then added on. "Well, then I guess I'm pretty special because you're special to me. You're the one that makes me special. How's that for average?"

Finn grinned as he hugged Sam.

"Whoa there," Sam smiled though as he felt Finn's tight never-letting-go grip. "Hey, Finn, the only average thing I want in you…is your food intake, okay? You're really skinny and it's making me worry. Okay? You don't wanna look sick. You wanna look good."

Finn nodded, shrinking away in Sam's arms. He wanted to ask Sam how he could eat anything without wanting to throw it up, or to take the fullness as a good thing, except he was pretty sure he couldn't ask any of that without making red lights burn into his head or something so he just laid beside Sam for a bit. He got picked up by Kurt and realised Sam was right. Finn realised that he really wasn't average. He was pretty much a grade A freak.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	15. Kurt's Diary

i realise people want to kill me for adding like more than 20 chapters at a time. i feel sorry for the 13 people that are following this story, getting like one million notifications. sorry in advance. In the drawer, there was a diary. It belonged to Kurt E. Hummel. Nobody found it. Nobody even looked.

_May 13, 2010_

_'I have to break free from this absurd binging and purging. They have taken a toll on my body, mind and physique. Today, I have simply laid down on my toilet in tears, in shame of my gluttonous behaviours. How could I have gone so far in? Stooped so low? When had Kurt Hummel become this…beast? Every day, I wake up, and every day, I find some way to fail. I have chewed and spat out pretzels today. My Father had gotten them to celebrate my successful grades and told me to lay it down. I had proceeded to spit that out just before dinner time had rolled around where I had indulged in dark cherry ice-cream, THREE slices of lasagne, a cookie, some custard and five biscuits I found lying around in my drawer. Throwing them up, I realised one thing: I will never break free. I can lie to myself all I want and I will probably die from this. My scale whispersed 189.5 when I woke up this morning. It will be higher tomorrow. I just know it.'_

_July 16, 2010_

_'My only quest in this world is to die on Broadway preforming a stunning number. Hopefully by falling off a ladder due to malnutrition and severe electrolyte imbalance.'_

_August 28, 2010_

_'I had never had a perfect body. I seemed to have lost enough weight for none of my clothing to fit, yet I still wear the same pants, still with the same shock when I had to fish out for one of my belts. I had lost 17.2 pounds these past four months, skipping from 189.5 – my last weigh-in mid-May to my current 172.3 today. My BMI is supposedly in the healthy range, hitting 24.0. I feel gigantic. I still wore the same clothing I had when I was 258 pounds. My aunt had told me that my clothing was quite bluntly hanging off me. She took me out for some clothing. A small niece of mine named Annie tugged at my pants and said I was going away, nearly sad as she gave me her lollipop to suck on. They were only 15 calories, yet I felt dissatisfied with my body. I have lost an incredible amount of weight, yet I feel hollow still, somewhat empty. A kind of emptiness that no food can fill me with._

_'Furthermore, I remain as disgusting as ever before. This morning, I had managed to slip my hand over my pants, past my stretchmarks and broke down into diligent sobs that raked through my body. These tears had made me feel slightly better if anything and calmed some of the boiling tension that seemed to have built up around me. I believe the only real happiness I can find is in my Father's large semi-heavy shotgun. I was in pain. Some people want to numb it. I want to amplify it because quite frankly I deserve every single bit of the pain I acquired. I hope to disappear, weightlessly. I will be only the smallest one in my class, my high-school – hopefully, in existence. I wanted to simply not existent at all.'_

_November 6, 2010_

_'Please take the shotgun off the wall and fire two warning shots—into my head.' _

_December 25, 2010_

_'I have fantasies so vivid they almost feel like reality. Horrid nightmares of people picking apart every part of my body, calling me disgusting and fat. Grabbing me by my hair and spitting out how I'd never quite amount to anything in this dangerous, dark world. That I can only be nothing, have nobody, be nobody. That not even my Mother can love me – which was the cruellest thing anyone can say considering my Mother was dead. Some people told me that you only had to wake up from a nightmare to know it wasn't real, but to be honest, these images and fantasies I pass off as 'nightmares' to my Father – they're real. They have happened and I still await the day I will wake up, slit my throat and go back to a dreamless slumber. So, to sign off, this Christmas, I got a loving night with my Father who got a random purple scarf for me. I wish I can tell him that the only thing I truly wanted was a handgun that wasn't too heavy to hold to destroy myself with.'_

_10th February, 2011_

_'How the mighty have fallen. I, who do not believe in God, meditating, fasting, crying, laughing – it's all a blur. I had forgotten what had gone on in my life but Karofsky's prodding had sent me to a spiral. I lost more and more weight, mostly due to fasting on water or milk, surviving day by day by just liquid. I prayed to God for some sort of sign. There came Blaine. Blaine was perfect. Blaine weighed less than me. God practically threw up in my face about how imperfect I was. About how perfect Blaine was despite the horrendous amount of pizza he consumes. And there I was. Nothing.'_

_19th September, 2011_

_'Blaine hasn't eaten at all today. He is sick. Rachel tries to shove down three crackers down his throat at least. Mercedes tells him that 'this isn't good for you, honey'. He looks so sick that I am somewhat envious of it. I'm envious of my sick boyfriend and how pale he is. I'm not quite as sickly pale as he is at this current moment. I have such horrible, horrible thoughts. I feign panic. I do not care whether he's not eaten for a day. I haven't eaten in six.'_

_20th September, 2011_

_'It's been seven days. I binged on an entire chocolate fudge cake, and threw it up in quite the same amount of time. Only now do I realise that when I do purge, my face swells and I look like I'm in tears when I purge. This is the face I go to class with in a middle of a binge/purge session during the lunch hour, or when my father sees me just before I fall asleep – now do I realise either they're blind or they just don't care at all.'_

_21st September, 2011_

_'162.6. My father bought a handgun to protect us with if things go wrong. I have never felt so elated and ethereal in my life.'_

_22nd September, 2011_

_'The hallways beckon me to move. I slowly move towards the hallway. I can see their eyes on me, as I wish to disappear into a glass menagerie. I can hear Quinn say something about how I wasn't quite that atrociously big. I started the tenth grade weighing at 172.0 exactly, an average weight, with an average BMI for my disgusting height. If I could've grown just _one_ inch, I'd have been in the six-foot zone, but even then, my height and hormones are failures. My hands are temporarily disconnected from my body. The Cheerio's heard me purge. One of them said I still needed it. Quinn, Santana and Brittany were standing there a moment before and told me if I felt sick. I always felt sick. They gave me pills to tone down my stomach, and said if I was able to keep anything down for a while, and then I broke down in confession of Karofsky and his constant picking on me. Santana told me to suck it up. I hadn't really cared for Karofsky. I wished he would end me. I just needed an escape route. They bought it. Along with lunch. I picked whatever I wanted, with the keen knowledge that it won't stay in me for long. After inhaling a few cuts of lean chicken, two KitKat bars, a piece of cake, and cannelloni's that Santana pushed towards me, I had thrown them up. This time, I didn't quite need neither my hands nor the toothbrush that lay concealed in my bag. I threw it all up on a trashcan just by bending down and effortlessly letting out all of the food. It seemed exactly as if I had been just sick. I had Mercedes and Tina rush towards me, as Mr Schue called my Father. I hadn't kept anything down for days since then considering they made up quite the perfect excuse for it. I made as much noise as possible, ate and threw up whenever I wanted, and laid in my bedside, curled up to reruns of television shows I didn't quite like. Nobody said anything upon my return in about a week. Nobody cared.'_

_27th November, 2011_

_'I suppose I've pushed against the limit. I have constant cycles of not eating anything at all for two or three days, then consuming very little amounts of fruit and salad. Sometimes salad meant pasta salad or potato salad, but that would be fine considering for the next few days, nothing would be in me but water. Finn doesn't eat at all either. At school, he would shove things under the table with that gaze as he looked around just to make sure nobody noticed. At home, he just took all of his plates of food to his room, like I did, and when I went to bin my dinner or lunch late at night, I found Finn's plates also binned along with my own. I hadn't the heart to tell Finn that he mustn't make that much effort into fasting, that nobody would notice at all. He hadn't eaten in eight days last I checked. He passed out in his room once or twice. I made a valiant effort, locking us both in his room until he woke up, pretended to be oblivious as I asked him if he had a good nap, when doing my Chemistry homework. I noticed everything. He noticed nothing about me. Not until I told him. And even then, I can see his eyes run in inspection over my body. **The only eating disorder you have, Kurt, is binge eating disorder.**'_

_5th December, 2011_

_'On Mercedes' scale, I clocked in at 155.4. Her Mother called me an adorable itty bitty thing. Mercedes glanced to and from me and asked me how much I weighed when I was fourteen. I pressed my body against the wall, and then honestly said two hundred and fifty-eight. 'What are you doing? I might even ask you for tips,' she teased me. Binged. Purged. Fasted. Restricted. Mostly binged and threw up everything. I had pizza with her then raced back home in less than fifteen minutes on my car, and then threw that up as well. I resisted the urge to scream at Mercedes the next day that this was what I did. This was my hell for three years or so. I didn't. I kept quiet. I drank my water bottle, ate my cereal that morning when my Father was there, threw it up in the living room bathroom, and then when I sat down beside Finn, he just stared at him for the longest of time. _

_'What?' I hissed, knowing that he'd heard me throw up, that he saw me. Finn just shrugged and then added on. 'You're kinda perfect and it's kinda hurting you.' I wish it would hurry up and kill me already.'_

_1st January 2012_

_'166.4. Restricting the urge to go find that gun currently…'_

_15th January 2012_

_'I told Blaine to call me selfish if it pleased him but I was what I was. Blaine smiled at me. 'I don't think you're selfish,' and then his eyes dulled down a bit, 'I think you're lonely, Kurt'.' _

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	16. Finn's Thoughts

Kurt was really pissed off right now. Finn can tell by now. He can tell when Kurt was angry. He can tell when he was sad too but Kurt was always so damned sad and sick all of the time that he nearly missed it these past few weeks. Kurt was always so lonely right now and it hurt Finn to see Kurt look like that, to see him so fragile and misunderstood. He wondered if he can do something about it, but then realised that Kurt probably wanted to kill himself for a really long time now. There was nothing he can really do to convince Kurt otherwise, so he just gave up before even beginning. Finn can try to do subtle things to make Kurt feel a little bit more like living.

Sometimes, Finn just wanted to make him a really yummy breakfast and surprise him, but he realised that Kurt will probably throw it up and Finn would eat the ingredients raw and binge on them and throw them up too. Finn tried to think of something, but a lot of his good memories were linked with food. Like popcorn and pizza slices with Puck at the fair, sharing crisps with Puck when they were playing Halo, just talking to Dave Karofsky (also one of his used to be best friends before Glee) when they were eating his mother's home cooked lasagne. With every memory, Finn had a taste of something in his mouth…as if he was reminiscing just that.

He wanted to give Kurt the memories of how warm it was with him and his mother, with the cold beating on his skin, her infamous hot chocolate with marshmallows slowly melting at the seams, as they sat beside each other mumbling show tunes and watching reruns of _Grey's Anatomy. _He wanted to give Kurt the memories of eating sticky hot fudge with Puck and licking his finger afterwards when they laughed and sung together even though Puck would then say "well…that was really gay", just before they got into Glee. Now, they break-out mid-song whenever and neither of them cared about how 'gay' that sounded, just that they were having fun singing whatever they were singing. Sometimes, Finn remembered how alone he felt curled up in this mass called the universe, but not alone enough to want to end his life. Right now, his favourite memory was the taste of sticky, soy-sauce filled brown rice, as Sam leaned down to kiss. Right now, the only reason he would ever consider ending anything was the number on his scale that flashed to 69.6 this morning, so close to trekking back into the seventies. Then Finn would remember that if Kurt died, he will end up really, really sad. Sometimes, Finn forgot that if Kurt died, then nothing of him will exist ever again, that Kurt wanted to not exist so bad, that the self-loathing was just that deep…

Finn thought his life was really perfect and nice, but it was sort of like a really nice decorated Oreo cake from the outside, and from the inside, it was full of disgusting bland tasteless burnt cake. Finn honestly knew that if Kurt really died, he might consider taking his own life too. He can't deal with being alone all of the time, but with Kurt, he wasn't really alone. Kurt knew, and he cuddled with him when they were done purging and thought he was really tiny and he should slow down on the really quick weight loss and stuff like that. Finn sometimes still prayed to God, even if grilled cheesus was totally fake, just because he wanted to make sure that he gave Kurt his all. He can scream at him not to do it, but that would just make Kurt think of all the reasons why he should. He wanted to do something that would make Kurt ultimately forget about it. Finn knew Kurt really well and if you told him he shouldn't do something, he'd just want to do it even more, so that night, Finn just slipped into Kurt's bed beside him. He murmured prayers under his voice and hoped for some sort of light to grace his brother's life.

Burt was like forty-six, and he was too young to lose a son. Carole was forty-two and she was too young to lose faith in humanity when she'd realise that Kurt was really sick. Blaine was be just seventeen and when he'd realise that Kurt was really sick, he'll lose all hope in the world before his life even began. And Finn, Finn was eighteen years old, too young to be so clearly broken.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	17. Kurt's Unhappiness

"I can't believe you told Sam your weight. Finn, are you stupid?"

Finn tried to shut his eyes. _Kurt is really stressed and sad right now. You took this from Quinn when she was pregnant and Rachel because you love her. You'd take it from Sam too. Take it from Kurt. Don't blow up. Don't explode. Don't—_Finn had told Kurt what happened between him and Sam right now. Finn only kept his food down with Sam and sometimes, just for Kurt, he'd eat too.

"Please, Kurt—"Finn cut him off.

"You _know_ you're _underweight_, Finn, for your height and weight. You know it, and you quite bluntly tell your weight in front of him? Did you also tell him about your eating disorder? _Are you looking for attention_?" Kurt said, each word stabbing at Finn more than the other. Finn honestly didn't know he was underweight. He thought underweight people were supposed to be scary and painful to look at. Finn didn't look that painful to look at. He had a few ribs sticking out, and his hipbones were really sharp, but in Finn's head, he wasn't _that_ bad. He thought he was at an okay weight.

"Blaine is thinner than me," Finn whispered.

"Are you mentioning Blaine now? Blaine is _shorter_ than _you_ and _me_. _Blaine_ is _also_ underweight." Blaine didn't look underweight though. Blaine had a really small frame, so he carried however underweight he was really well. He remembered Kurt telling him this once. Finn sometimes wondered if he had a really skewed perfectionist ideal like Kurt did. "Ever since Sebastian threw that slushie at him, Blaine has been eating _weird_. He hates anything with sugar now, and anything sticky or red. Anything else either has too much oil, cheese or butter makes him uncomfortable because he feels like he's eating butter straight out of its container. The thing is with Blaine he's stupid enough to exercise the calories that he does eat. The _only_ reason I even spend any more with him is because _I'm shallow._ I simply shove food down his throat just so he would maintain his weight and if he loses anymore weight, I will throw myself off a cliff—"

"Is that what you're gonna do?" Finn had cut Kurt off.

"What?" Kurt's voice was high, but it was still soft for some reason.

"Are you…are you gonna throw yourself off a cliff when you do…it?" Finn's voice was incredibly low, and he wouldn't dare meet Kurt's eyes. His eyes were on Kurt's feet instead. His perfectly manicured nails and really cute feet that were pressing against the hardwood floor.

"It's undecided," he said after a while. Kurt then stared at Finn.

Finn then finally said. "I think you should like…make a video for Burt or Blaine…or even my Mom…the whole Glee club…maybe? I don't know. I just…I don't want to see you go…I know there are some things you don't want to say to anyone now but if you tape them and then have them see it later. You can sit in bed like Guy Pearce in Memento and just…I don't know. Just…I need to hear you after you're gone, okay? You can do this…whole journal thing on tape and say anything you want, just that…I need something of you. After you die."

Finn tried to put into words what he couldn't. Kurt looked up at Finn with soft eyes. "Finnegan, I want to die—"

"_I know that_. That's why I'm not…I'm not giving you some montage about how you're not supposed to, because you'll kinda shut me out and I'm—I'm the only person you sorta have. I mean, with Blaine, with _Blaine_… you're kinda hanging out with him just to make sure he doesn't weigh less than you—"

Finn was cut off by Kurt's harsh tone. "He does weigh less than me. He's shorter than me. He weighs just as much weight as I lost."

"Wait, you were like…two, fifty-eight and now you're one-forty-three so that means…" Finn tried to do the calculations.

"Blaine is a hundred and fifteen pounds," Kurt murmured. "And according to the average BMI chart, he apparently fits the qualifications for anorexia with his BMI, but the thing is with Blaine, he will eat whatever you put in front of him as long as it fits Blaine standard. He will eat as much of it as he pleases, but Blaine expends every bit of that food, and probably even more. He's like a hyperactive kid. His very small frame technically means that he's still in a healthy weight region but I can't see how anyone that weighs so little can—"

"He is," Finn cut Kurt off. "I mean, Blaine looks really normal. Yeah, he looks tiny, but _normal_ tiny, not 'I can fit for the qualifications of anorexia' tiny."

Kurt nodded his head mutely. "I know," his voice softened. "I used to want to weigh 117, but now that I know that Blaine's lower than me, I _have_ to go lower. It's just…a psychological need. I don't know why. I can't let Blaine weigh less than me…especially when he isn't even intentionally losing the weight. It's just…it's unfair. You and Blaine have this…ability to just lose weight whenever you want and I'm _sick_ of it. If Blaine wants to lose five pounds in a week, if he puts the effort, he can easily lose double that. Blaine will forget to eat if I don't remind him. You'll just throw it up and lose the weight just as quick because you have football and you over-exercise with Sam. I…I _fail_ at my own _disorder_, Finn. _How is that supposed to make me feel_?"

Finn stared at him for a bit. Kurt looked away from Finn's eyes. "Just don't ever mention your weight to anyone again, Finn." Kurt murmured. "Don't rub it in."

"I wasn't trying to—"Finn was cut off by the sound of Kurt slamming the door in his face. "Kurt, dude! Open up!"

Kurt held his head in his hands as Blaine texted him: _lunch w/ me? Love you xx_. Kurt ignored the text for an hour and then responded with a tedious 'yes', not even bothering to make up an excuse. To be honest, he forgot why Blaine even bothered with him anymore. When he was about to leave, Finn had a drawing taped on his doorway of two cats fighting and then one of them going _Don't kill yourself because I love you._ They looked suspiciously like Loki and one of them looked like Peeta, but Kurt crumbled up the drawing and threw it in the trashcan as a spying Finn shied away, looking like he'd been just stabbed right into his chest.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	18. Finn's Reaction

_Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out – _

"Kurt?"

Blaine's voice pierced through Kurt's skull. Kurt had thrown up one of their first meals he had eaten in nearly a week. He was dying of hunger, and he wanted to eat more, but Blaine just watched him demolish half a pan of Alfredo pasta. Now, he was empty again. Blaine heard him throw up too. He walked in just as Kurt was throwing up the last bit of pasta. This time, Kurt didn't use his hands or toothbrush again. Now, throwing up out of nowhere seemed so effortless, just with his stomach muscles contracting, just by bending down. It looked like he was sick.

Kurt made his way towards the sink, splashing hot water down his face before flushing. Blaine's bathroom scale was mocking Kurt. Blaine's eyes were on the scale too now that Kurt was looking at it. "I think…" Blaine's voice was soft as he helped Kurt up, rubbing his shoulders, "…my scale is about five pounds lower than yours."

Kurt shrugged. "What is any of that supposed to mean?"

Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes. "It means, Kurt, that…that I'm one twenty if it helps. Just please…stop looking at me like you want to shove food down my throat. I didn't ask for this. I _swear_. I just like to box, Kurt. I honestly do. It relieves a lot of _stress_ for me."

Kurt shrugged. Blaine knew he had to give up now.

"Let's get you into bed," Blaine shuffled as he took Kurt and shuffled back towards the bedside. Kurt had pulled the sheets against him as Blaine stared at Kurt. Blaine was about to leave when Kurt pulled them both against each other. They stayed there for a while. It was like any other day but this time, Kurt found it the most special thing in the world to have Blaine so close to him.

That next morning, Kurt found Blaine leaning beside his lockers, holding a book in his hands. Kurt walked up to him. Blaine had been holding a book in his hands that was probably part of a series. "You look thinner," Kurt finally said, eyes on Blaine's body. "What did you eat yesterday?"

Blaine blushed. "I sort of…was caught up in a book."

"Blaine, what did you eat yesterday?" Kurt's voice was harsher than it was before.

"Kurt, I didn't."

"You _didn't_ _eat_?" Kurt was shocked. He barely got through some of his fasts, and that was just barely. Blaine had accidentally forgotten to eat for a whole day. Kurt looked into Blaine's sincere eyes, hoping for apology. Kurt sighed and Blaine just bit down his lower lip.

"Kurt, honestly, I kind of think you hang around with me just to make sure I'm fed properly…"

"I'm _concerned_," Kurt dismissed him, and that was the first lie. There was no concern, just horrid envy. "How much do you weigh? Did you weigh yourself on your Mother's scale? That one is accurate. It's…"

Blaine shook his head "I shouldn't let you know the number because you start staring at me like you want to shove food down my throat all of the time and to be honest, Kurt, it's kinda frustrating." Blaine complained, using his hands to smooth over the fabric of his jacket to hide his weight loss better.

"_Blaine_!" Kurt exclaimed.

Blaine sighed. "Can you not freak out?" Kurt nodded, hoping for a two or three pound loss—"One hundred and nine. Remember, Kurt, I have a really small frame so you have to add ten percent to my BMI and—"

Kurt had pulled out his phone, whipping it out and did add ten percent to Blaine's BMI. "Even if I do, Blaine, you are borderline underweight. You are at around an 18.7 and just…"

Blaine looked up with him with sincere eyes. "I'm honestly sorry, Kurt. I have all of this stress in my life, and the pressure of you leaving." Kurt wanted to laugh because all Kurt can think about was the thoughts of suicide raging into his mind when Blaine said 'leaving'. "I do eat, Kurt. I promise that I do. Most of the time, I eat more than a normal person but we both know that I react to stress by boxing and you _know_ that I'm expending a lot more than whatever's in me. Plus, Kurt, I'm in love with you."

Kurt felt his stomach slosh with discomfort as Blaine had said those words. "I've heard that when you're in love with someone, everything else becomes less appealing and it does, Kurt. Even food. You are amazing and I love you but I hate you pressuring me to eat and I'm not fond of most of the food you make me eat but I eat it anyway because it makes you happy."

"Why are you making me feel guilty about this?" Kurt finally asked as he stared down at his feet. Yet again had he failed at his own disorder and Blaine had managed to lose six more pounds without even knowing. "I'm merely concerned for your weight, Blaine, because you look thinner _all the time_. Those pants were tight on you a few weeks ago and now they are practically dropping off your hips. I'm inclined to give you my books when we're walking outside together because I'm afraid that if I do not, you will float away with the wind."

"I won't float," Blaine finally said. He rolled his eyes in a small span of irritation and then bit down his lower lip. "Come on. Let's just head off to class."

"I'm taking you to lunch."

Blaine looked completely frustrated by now. "Fine. Let's…just don't mention it again."

Kurt's head was spinning by now. Blaine can potentially lose more weight by then the time that Kurt even got into his teens, and right now, if Blaine kept losing as rapidly as he was, Kurt's goals would have to be into ninety or eight or even seventy pound region and to be honest, Kurt didn't know if he could get that far without it taking as much time as he was. He had weighed in at 136.8 on his scale this morning when he did bother to check. He had a BMI of 19.077 and he was nowhere near perfect or where he wanted to be. Even weighing in at 109, meant he'd have a BMI of 15.2 and the thought of him weighing in at the nineties or eighties was nice but it was not realistic if he was trying to make people not notice. Even if he wore nine layers of clothing at those weights, no doubt he would appear as far too thin and ready to collapse.

Finn looked at Blaine as he passed by before staring at Kurt. "Hey, Kurt, I know it's a really bad question to ask but—"

"Did Blaine lose any more weight?" Kurt icily asked and Finn nodded his head. "Yes. He lost six pounds without even trying."

Finn laughed, staring back at Blaine. "Dude, Blaine is so thinspo."

"I don't want to find _inspiration_ in my boyfriend. I want to weigh less than my boyfriend and at the rate he's losing, I don't think I will be able to do that. He has a small frame that makes him add 10 percent of his BMI. You have a large frame and that makes you pull off 10 percent of your BMI, which isn't much to begin with—"

"Sam says it's 16.3."

Kurt was completely thrown back. "Really?" his voice was dull and tedious.

Finn nodded his head slowly. "I promise though I'm like eating more and throwing up less but the urge kinda gets bad sometimes. I feel like I put on nineteen pounds overnight or something and I sort of panic and purge, but I'm honestly not trying to do that…'cause I sort of promised you."

"Thank you, Finn," Kurt said plainly, as he watched Blaine leave for his next class. "Now if I can only get Blaine to do the same thing."

"Hey, wait, I'm just asking…" Finn began. "But like…do you mentally have to get down to Blaine's weight or even lower than that?"

Kurt nodded his head. "Yes."

"Oh." Finn said as he left in the same direction Blaine went off to. Kurt had a Chemistry class. "Blaine! Dude!"

Blaine turned out. "Finn?"

Finn smiled weakly at him. "Hey, Blaine…uh…do you…do you wanna go to the gym with me and Sam today?" he asked, eyes shining. "I mean I recently found out like the only person I do find hot and attractive that is a guy is Sam but just Sam and…I sorta want you to do a few laps with me."

"I shouldn't," Blaine said, but he looked like he wanted to.

Finn stared at him with a small pout to his lips. "Come on. Like I won't tell Kurt."

"How did you know—?" But the thought of Kurt and what he had told him made Blaine look like he was suddenly driven. "Yeah. Let's go afterschool. I'm game."

Finn smiled, "Cool."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	19. Kurt's Coldness

Of course Finn felt really bad about it. He'd gained five pounds and was at 150 and wanted to shoot himself. He liked the gym scales because they weighed him in pounds but Sam was so happy that he barely thought about it for that moment. He was suddenly afraid to wake up at 170 or 180, but he can lose all the weight he wanted when Kurt was…oh, no, wait, the reason he got Blaine here was because he wanted Blaine to drop to an ungodly number that Kurt will spend forever trying to get lower and never get there. Finn was playing with Blaine's weight. It was really bad and Blaine would end up looking really tiny at some point. Finn knew it too but he honestly couldn't stand the thought of losing Kurt and having Kurt shoot himself. Finn hoped that if he got Kurt striving for it, he'd just forget about it sometime and be okay. Finn probably knew he was lying to himself but he wanted to try.

Finn wanted to make Sam happy but he also wanted to weigh less. He knew that making Blaine stay here was bad because Blaine was already so tiny. They worked up a bit of a sweat before Blaine had to leave because he was meeting Kurt for lunch. This continued for the rest of the week. On a particular day, Sam told Finn he looked sexy and Finn wanted to laugh. Yeah. He was 'sexy'. 'Sexy' from throwing up his food in public toilets, in cups in his room and barfing up yoghurt in the shower. Finn didn't understand what Kurt meant about how quick Blaine lost weight until he saw Blaine step on the scale five days after and his heart leaped in envy because Blaine weighed at 107.8. A BMI of 18.0 after Finn did the calculations – okay, Kurt showed him how to do the calculations ten times for different frames. Blaine had to be crazy thin to have an anorexic BMI for his frame then. But seeing a number like that on the scale combined with his weight gain made Finn want to vomit. So he did. He did vomit. He threw up his rice, his beans, his corn, and everything that he had managed to ingest and then he felt happy. The kind of happy that didn't go away for a long while.

But Kurt found him and Finn shied away nervously. Finn finally broke down and Kurt did feel bad in the end, having Finn curl up to him as Finn told him that he was trying but it made him feel horrible.

Finn lost his five pounds and now, Kurt was horribly depressed. Kurt weighed at 129.4 on his scale that morning. Finn was just staring at him for most of the time. "You and Blaine have the same BMI," Finn finally said after some point when Kurt got off his scale. "You look so much nicer than Blaine though. Blaine has all of this muscle and you don't…actually, I sort of think you look like an angel sometimes."

Kurt just nodded his head stoically, without an expression on his face. Finn then stared at Kurt until Kurt finally broke for the first time in a really long time. Finn didn't know what happened next but his heart was racing and Kurt was crying into his shoulder. Then they looked at each other and kissed each other. This escalated far too quickly and they traded positions from top to bottom twice that night. Only after did Finn realise how bad that was. He called Sam and said they couldn't be together anymore. Kurt took Blaine out for dinner and when Blaine was as happy as Hell, he broke the news to him that they had to stop seeing each other. Kurt had never seen someone so in pain they involuntarily threw up. Kurt hated himself for wondering if Blaine was going to lose any more weight because of this. He hated himself for thinking that at all.

And that was how they ended up the way they did. Kurt can't look at Finn. Finn can't look at Kurt. And then when Kurt looked away, Finn was staring at him. Kurt was just so gorgeous and handsome and pretty and every good thing in the world. Finn realised it was twisted to stare at Kurt the way he did. He liked Kurt's ribs the most. He liked it when Kurt was underneath him and Finn got to trail his hand against Kurt's ribs. He liked trailing his fingers against his chest bone. He liked hearing Kurt sound like he was enjoying himself. And most of all, Finn knew that he was hurt that Kurt wasn't talking to him, and he was hurt that Blaine was hurt as a result of this, and he was hurt that Sam was in pain when Finn just ended it before it even started to flourish –

But amongst everything, Finn didn't feel bad. He didn't regret having sex with Kurt. But he wished he can say the same for Kurt, because Finn can read the guilt and humiliation in Kurt's eyes too clearly. That hurt the most, to see Kurt like that. Finn asked Kurt if he wanted any food.

"Do I look like I want to eat?" Kurt finally snapped. Finn twitched. "Why? I'm just going to throw it up. Might as well not waste it at all."

Finn looked away. "Kurt, I…I think you should really stop losing weight right now. Maybe you need like a therapist or something because you're really starting to freak me out and…I don't know. I think I'm just realising that you're really, really serious about killing yourself and I obviously don't want you to and…"

Kurt laughed. "Please, stop talking. You're embarrassing yourself."

Finn's cheeks coloured and he didn't understand why. Kurt turned away and Finn stared at him, putting his hand on Kurt's shoulder. Kurt looked up at Finn and Finn leaned downwards to kiss him. Finn didn't expect a slap in return. Finn stared at Kurt with hurt hard brown eyes as Kurt looked away, not even bearing to meet with Finn's eyes.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	20. Finn's Fear

Finn didn't talk to Kurt at all ever since that slap. He was honestly still shocked about the whole thing. He had made a mistake of asking after Kurt had slapped him, "I thought you wanted me! Like for three years."

To which Kurt responded, 'so now I'm your whore and whenever you decide you're ready to be in a relationship with me, I'm just going to be okay with it?"

It hurt. Finn tried to think of the reasons he just suddenly liked Kurt. He knew he had liked something about Kurt for a while. First, it was just admiring his body, but then it was admiring everything about him. He liked how he talked, how he said things, the way he talked, the way he did that wrist motion when he tried to explain something sometimes, the way his eyes glittered when he was happy, the way his lips stretched as far as the Atlantic when he smiled, the way he took all of the blue in the sky sometimes just to make his eyes shine the way they did. Finn was actually writing all of this down in Geometry. He knew he was gonna fail that class anyway. He sucked at Math and he was pretty stupid in his own eyes.

Kurt and him were purging so much more now that Carole and Burt's shifts were longer. Before if Carole wasn't at work, Burt was and if someone was in the house, they couldn't purge. Finn was at 164.2 and Kurt was apparently at 136.4. Kurt looked like he had a lot more health to his skin right now than he ever did. It was kinda scaring him. Kurt sometimes. The thought of Kurt needing to get down. Kurt was eating a lot more nowadays because of Carole and Burt's longer shifts. They binged and purged so much. They still hid wrappers together, but Kurt didn't talk to him. Kurt wouldn't talk to him. They still told each other their weights. Finn did it to make Kurt feel better. Finn felt like an elephant. He wanted everything to disappear. He hated the universe.

It was May when Finn was a standstill at 169 for months. Burt and Carole were happy, but it didn't mean Finn stopped puking, but they thought he did. They thought he stopped because he gained weight. Finn was feeling so down that he wished Kurt could die already so he can lose weight, but then he realised he didn't want Kurt to die. He wanted Kurt to get better, but that was impossible without telling someone what he had. Kurt was back to 142.6 or something and he looked good to Finn, but he was panicking and crying all the time. Whenever Finn tried to talk to him, Kurt just snapped. They should've never have had any sex, or done anything, because now, they were alone. Just because of one night.

Sam had walked up to him today, and shook his head. "You look so much better right now than you did a few months back. I mean – I think you should gain more weight, yeah, but otherwise, you don't look as sick as you did before."

Finn raised an eyebrow. "I didn't look sick," he finally muttered.

Sam snorted. "Are you kidding? The whole Glee club was worried. Didn't you notice that San stopped calling you fat? You looked like _Hell_. We thought you had one of those eating disorder things."

Finn wanted to tell him that he did have one of those eating disorder things. He wanted to tell him, and then blurt out all of the stuff about Kurt but he can't have Kurt hate him anymore either. He didn't know how to say it. He wondered if he said something, if Kurt would just snap and kill himself anyway. Maybe this was for the better. Finn honestly didn't know. There was no how to manual for How to Handle Your Suicidal Stepbrother. Finn wondered how much it really would take for Kurt to finally lose it and kill himself. On the other hand, Blaine's weight loss was getting out of control. Ever since the break-up, Blaine didn't look like he'd been feeding himself at all, like he was on a constant fast. It seemed like every time Finn pumped into Blaine, he was smaller. The New Directions said nothing about this at all, but he can tell that Kurt noticed. Santana called him melodramatic once, but Finn wondered if Blaine would ever get thin enough to the point where even the New Directions couldn't ignore it. He wondered what those Warbler guys would do right now – Finn wasn't the hugest fan of Blaine, but the fact that Blaine wasn't handling anything well kinda scared him. He saw Blaine just sitting alone in a corner at lunch nowadays with this lunch of some wrap thing that he'd eat all alone in his corner. Most times, Finn didn't see Blaine at all. Once, he found him hiding in the English classroom with his laptop on, catching up with episodes of Falling Skies.

He found Blaine crying quite a bit too. He was like this zombie. He didn't really wear bowties anymore. The clothes he was wearing in the beginning of the year were hanging off Blaine's body right now. Finn was jealous. He can also tell that Kurt was obscenely jealous. Finn can't say that he wasn't a factor in this.

The last straw was when it was time to weigh-in for costumes. Finn was still 169, which earned a nod from Rachel. He hated how the New Directions pretended like there was nothing wrong with him when they suspected it. They also didn't say anything about Kurt, but he doubted that they noticed. It was scary how much Kurt lost from middle school, but they just thought it was because he used to eat like three bars of Twix in the morning and had swapped that for whole grain shit or pretended to anyway. In secret, Kurt would eat a lot more than just three bars of Twix – he knew for a fact that Kurt can inhale at least thirteen of those, along with a peanut butter milkshake, just to purge it up again.

Sam was like 165. Finn was a little self-conscious but Sam just gave him a glance and reminded him that it was just because Finn was larger framed. He still looked thinner than him, Sam said. Santana and Quinn were both in the mid-120's. Mercedes won't tell them her weight, but it wasn't like anyone can ever call Mercedes fat without her tearing them into strained juice. The rest of the guys – excluding Kurt and Blaine – were all around high 140s- low 180s and all of it was muscle for the most bit, excluding Artie at least and Artie had a legit reason. Finn blushed, knowing that he used to be a lot bigger than all of them. Brittany was in the high 130s. Rachel was 116-ish, with her height. She smirked.

Santana rolled. "Not like you're the smallest of us, Berry. You're a short little whore anyway."

Rachel glared. "Can you allow me to have one moment of satisfaction?"

"You had your moments," Santana snarled darkly. "Anderson, you're up next."

"Why do we have to do this anyway?" Blaine complained, and then added on. "The Warblers didn't do this _once_."

Kurt knew exactly what Blaine was doing, and sent him a glare in his general direction. Blaine flustered at that glare. Blaine's body was just bulked up with horizontal layers and huge jackets, just to appear bigger than he actually was. Finn was worried about what this might mean for Kurt. He wondered if Kurt was going to just see how thin Blaine was and finally just snap. Kurt was so _sensitive_ right now and he didn't need this.

Will answered the question for him. "Because your body weight is a good indication if there's something wrong, and besides, if you gained like 50 pounds in one go, it can slow us down a bit when it comes to dancing. We also do measurements and BMI. It's just for your own safety and for costumes. The measurements part at least. Until now, everyone's fine, in good health. It's not like anyone gained a significant amount of weight in some time, or lost any of it."

"That's a lie," Finn spat out finally just trying to stall everything for Kurt's sake. He loved Kurt too much to see him snap like that, to see him hurt because Blaine was so small. "I lost like from 235 to 169 and nobody said anything. Actually, I was like 149 last time I weighed in. So that's more than 86 pounds in less than a year. Kurt's weight is always bouncing too. Last time he weighed in, he was like 145 and now he's 138-something. You aren't doing anything with these weights. You're just humiliating us or something."

Will looked down at his feet. "Finn, we all knew you had a problem – we just couldn't say anything about it. I mean…I tried to contact Carole but every time I try to mention that you've lost a lot of weight or looked more tired, she just goes like 'well, he's been stressed. He's still eating well' and stuff like that. Your Mother was in denial for a pretty long time. I don't know what just made her snap back and actually do something about it. It's not like you were parading around in tight shirts all the time either. You were really good at hiding what it was that was ailing you and that was something that could've factored in, you know?"

"Stop making excuses," Finn murmured. "I'm really sick of it. I swear to God if Blaine steps on that scale, he'll probably be at least 10 pounds less than Rachel."

"Finn, if Blaine was a hundred and six pounds, he'd look dead," was Rachel's first statement. "He's five-foot-eight."

"He has a really small frame!" Finn pointed out. "Yes, I have one of those eating disorder bulimia things and I know that if you have a really small frame like Blaine does, he has to add like ten percent of his BMI. I might be stupid, but I know about this stuff because I'm kinda sick. Sick according to you. Okay?"

"It isn't relevant," Rachel huffed. "Because Blaine isn't a hundred and six pounds."

Blaine was pushed on the scale by Puck, and when the reading came out, everyone was quiet. Kurt was staring at Blaine with wide eyes. Kurt did that that calculation faster than Finn – Finn can tell because Kurt went paler too quick. Even with Blaine's frame, he'd have a BMI of 16.7. Without it, he'd have one of 15.2. Kurt looked close to throwing up. Blaine looked away and it was like they can see how small he actually was right now.

100lbs.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	21. Kurt's Reaction

The second the number hit the scale and everyone was still trying to digest the fact, Kurt Hummel watched Blaine Anderson bolt from his position.

He ran.

Kurt couldn't believe the amount of fear that crossed Blaine's face when he had looked at the number. He also couldn't believe the amount of jealousy that boiled in his blood when the New Directions were starting to look incredibly concerned.

He just couldn't believe it.

Blaine ran.

And Kurt ran after him.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	22. Kurt's Shock

_this is a double update because last chapter was so short it was a tease._

* * *

Blaine was shaking when Kurt found him pressed up against his locker, with his head in his hands as he furiously sobbed. He slammed his fists across his locker, and looked like he was hurting.

His hands were wrathfully shaking, and his eyes were rimmed red. "Kurt, please."

Kurt grabbed onto Blaine's shoulders and crashed his lips on top of the ravenette's own. It seemed to soothe him dramatically. He can feel Blaine shy away when Kurt's hands were around Blaine's waist. He brought the male in closer, and allowed small kisses to trail down to Blaine's cheek.

Kurt was aware that he was the one who'd broken up with Blaine, but it felt as if this was something he needed to do to keep Blaine sane, to keep him from panicking.

Blaine was calmer now, as he stopped shaking from anxiety.

"What's wrong?" Kurt didn't want to prod at Blaine's weight and make him feel uncomfortable when he had just had to leave the choir room from panic. He can see that nobody had followed them out, and that was for the best. "Tell me what's upsetting you."

Blaine chortled, as if Kurt was an idiot and can't see the obvious answer to his question. "My weight," he finally wheezed out.

"What's wrong with it?"

Blaine can tell that Kurt wasn't attacking him, because it would be upsetting to the ravenette. "Everything," he finally choked out.

Kurt nodded his head, understanding how Blaine felt in that moment. Of course, he'd always thought he was too fat, and not too thin. "Blaine, I don't care about how much you weigh," it was a blatant lie, but something that Blaine needed to hear.

"You're lying," Blaine's voice was soft. "Yes, you do. You used to feed me when we were together. You used to weigh me when we were together. You care. You care a lot."

Kurt wanted to say something against it, but the words were true. Blaine's theory was correct. "I worry."

Blaine simply looked up at Kurt, and shocked the brunette when he replied in a serious tone of voice, "No. No, you _don't_."

The words were true to say the least. To be honest, Kurt didn't care about Blaine's weight as much as he cared about getting underneath it.

Blaine looked confused, and not in the right headspace to say the least. He looked up at Kurt. "Kurt, I can't eat."

Kurt didn't quite understand what the ravenette meant by that at all. He moved close to Blaine, and placed his hands onto Blaine's shoulder. "I know you overexercise to combat stress, that you forget to eat, and you just seem to eat far much less when I'm not around."

Blaine looked away, ashamed.

"Blaine?" Kurt called out again, placing a hand on the ravenette's shoulder.

"I overexercise because I want to burn calories. I…I don't forget to eat, Kurt. I…it's a lie. I was frustrated when you were telling me to eat because I thought of how much I'd weigh and…"

Blaine looked down at his feet. Kurt's heart dropped in his chest.

"I wanted to weigh a hundred pounds," Blaine confessed. "I thought I'd be small."

"Blaine—"

"I'm not small, Kurt," Blaine shook his head, looking at his wrists. Kurt's eyes were circling around Blaine's incredibly small and bony wrist. "I…I don't know."

Blaine's phone rang.

"I have to go," he pulled the phone out before Kurt can process what Blaine had confessed. The shorter male seemed to flush before he left. Kurt somehow knew his Mother had come to pick him up.

Kurt was numb, trying to process what Blaine had told him but being unable to.

Blaine left Kurt standing there with a dropped jaw and far too much on his plate.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	23. Finn's Trigger

_actually triple update because i can ok and I thought that this went in with the theme_

_just to make others aware: i updated three times today._

* * *

Finn had been staring at Blaine's Facebook page for far too long. The ravenette hadn't turned up to school in weeks.

Blaine had 'Dalton Academy' listed as his educational system again (he'd had it changed to McKinley shortly after he transferred). Finn was shocked. Blaine would rather catch up on everything from the Dalton system, which Kurt died trying to catch up in, than have to come to school and face people again.

Finn stared at the comments; most of them were from the confused New Directions and some happy Warblers.

Kurt was angry, and Finn can tell it too. Finn watched Kurt leave with hopes of confronting Blaine about his need to run away every single time he had a problem. Finn heard Kurt yelling sometimes, and screaming sometimes. Apparently, Blaine had an eating problem too. Finn can tell right now that the ravenette was considerably thin. He looked a little sick to be honest.

Finn had seen Blaine post a picture of himself recently with his parents. The ravenette was leaning towards his Mother. His Mother was actually really pretty but pretty short in compared to Blaine and Blaine was short compared to a lot of people. Blaine was the only dude Finn knew that didn't make Rachel look short.

However, it wasn't the ravenette's height that shocked Finn. It was the fact that Blaine made his Mother look fat from how he was standing beside her. Blaine was leaning in a bit close to his Mother; his red shirt slowly rode up a bit exposing his sharp hipbone. His pale cardigan was loosely held over by the boy's shoulders as if he was a clothes hanger.

Finn stared at the boy's body, completely mesmerised by it. He was amazed at how thin Blaine can get without someone having to point it out or any of that. It actually made him sad for Blaine, to think that he can get to the size he was currently at and not have someone think it was an issue until they realised how little he weighed when he stood on a scale.

Mr Schue was thinking of ringing Blaine's parents still about his weight. Finn was angry at the teacher too, because dear God, Finn would never have thought about it. He would've just rung them up already because Blaine was completely out of control.

Just as Finn was starting to go look at pictures from earlier to now, he began to realise that Blaine was so much happier and more vibrant before but the most recent pictures made the male look incredibly distant and despondent. He can't help but feel guilty, because he'd pushed Blaine to where he was at right now. He was one of the reasons that Blaine weighed in at anything that wasn't normal for his slight frame.

100 pounds_. Jesus fucking Christ._

The more Finn thought about it, the sicker he got. Rachel weighing a hundred pounds seemed pretty low to him, and Blaine was five inches taller than Rachel. It made him want to puke, but it also made him insanely, insanely envious of Blaine's frame. He can get why Kurt was so jealous of Blaine.

Blaine's body was perfect to him. He loved the male's bones projecting out of his body, his lack of fat, his skin so loosely bound to his bone…fuck.

Blaine was perfect, and he wasn't. Yet again.

His Mother called him for dinner. Finn shut off his laptop, and curled in bed to pretend to sleep only to skip the meal of the day that used to be his absolute favourite.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	24. Finn's Perception

_double posting every time i update right now because why not._

* * *

Burt Hummel dropped the penny when Finn hadn't come down to dinner in four whole days because he was 'asleep', when the man can hear him shuffling to get Diet Coke every time it hit midnight.

The elder Hummel sat down on the chair next to his dresser, staring at the boy's body as if trying to decide what to do with it. Finn had hid his scale deep inside of his closet.

His used to be 76.8 kilo frame had now dropped down a notch. He weighed in at 75 kilos that morning.

Finn told Kurt to do that frame BMI thing for him, and taking in his frame, his BMI was at 18.54, which was pretty low apparently. He didn't care. He was fucking fat.

He wondered how things worked out like that. He used to have a BMI of 26.4 taking in his frame (29.4 without) and didn't think he was that fat. Now, he was borderline fucking underweight and he thought he can't be any fatter.

He missed his thin BMI's. He missed being on the sick side of normal. He missed fitting in the criteria for anorexia fucking nervosa even though his main vice was his bulimia.

"What's going on with you?" Burt grabbed Finn's hand and tightly held it. "Those meetings with the psych ain't doing you any good? You lost weight, you know. You're still like rail thin."

Finn stared at his thighs in response to that. Sure he was a rail – if a rail had a thick mass of fat wrapping around it like a thick coating of bread on a chicken drumstick.

He would be happy at this weight if he didn't know he had been thinner than this before, and when he was thinner, he looked awesome in his opinion. Yeah, bony, but awesome. Fine. He was still fat then.

"I'm not rail thin," Finn moved uncomfortably from his position. "I'm thin – yeah, but I'm not _rail_ thin."

Even the thin part he didn't really believe, but the second the 'f' word would leave his lips, he'd be placed in inpatient faster than he can even process what was going on.

"Ha," Burt shook his hand, running his hand down Finn's back. "Kiddo, I swear that if you wear five layers of clothing, I can still see your spine or something."

Finn looked up at Burt, hardly believing that. "I _am_ wearing five layers of clothes. You _can't_ see my spine."

Burt looked at the boy, furrowing his eyebrow. "Why in fuck's name are you wearing five layers of clothing?"

Finn shuffled in his position. "I'm cold," he finally stated. The man was staring at him for some time. "What?"

"Come down to dinner," was Burt's last response. Finn sighed, as he watched the man leave before realising he had to follow him out to ingest calories he was just going to puke out when he was going to take a shower.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	25. Kurt Lies

_the reason for the double posting and such is because I have all of it done._

* * *

Kurt Hummel found himself pressed up against the toilet, puking. He did not get the whole thing out. Too many years of purging made it hard for him to actually lose weight off it anymore. His digestion sucked so badly hat he can get up something he'd had six hours ago.

He shook, and shivered.

He slammed his phone down, reading texts from Blaine. His Father knocked on the door. Kurt can feel the water running from the shower already. He was going to have a cold shower tonight.

"Hey, Kurt – you okay in there?"

Kurt looked down at his body, hating every bit of fat on there. "Yeah," he finally said, voice a little raspy from all the purging. "Just a lot of cold water. It's sickening."

"You can always shower in my room. Get your robe."

Kurt shut the knobs of his shower, flushed the toilet, and looked into the mirror only to splash his face with water to rinse out the red in his eyes which would be gone in second before he wrapped his body around in a robe. He snuck his phone inside, and he swore the world was starting to go vaguely grey.

He opened the door to stare into his Father's eyes.

"Everything alright in there, kiddo?"

Kurt nodded his head, and then smiled weakly. "As good as it's always been."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	26. Shattered Kurt

_okay. so you're in for an update spree right now considering that the next few chapters sort of tie in together so i'm posting them all at once._

* * *

156.6.

Kurt wasn't aware of how he got here anymore. His constant weight of 143 seemed small and miniscule compared to this.

He broke down, shutting his eyes as tightly as possible.

It had only been three weeks but he'd finally gotten a text from Blaine asking him that they can come around and talk it out tomorrow.

It was nearly midnight.

Kurt didn't care. He threw the phone across the bed. It was nearly tomorrow, so he better head out to Dalton. He can make it there in thirty minutes if he drove fast enough.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	27. Kurt's Spiral

_this is one of several updates. _

* * *

Kurt didn't stop by Dalton at all. He had back to Scandals. He was sure that the man feeling him up was at least five years older than him. His mind was buzzing with alcohol, pounding music, and there was another forty-year-old someone kissing his back.

"Tell me I'm thin," Kurt snapped, his eyes filled with tears as he shook. "Fucking tell me I'm thin."

The man that was feeling Kurt up was unbuttoning his shirt. "You're thin. You're thin alright. I can see your ribs." No, they can't anymore, but Kurt still took it. He let the blue-eyed college student bite his nipple. The forty year old was pulling Kurt backwards against something.

They were in a car. Kurt didn't know how he got here. He was shaking and jittering, and he was so fucking scared at the same time.

He felt insane. He wanted to go home, but he couldn't.

The music was still vibrating in his bones long after he'd left Scandals. The colours danced in his mind. He was sure that he was wearing something silky and pretty and the old man and college student were just tearing it off like it was nothing.

They sunk their teeth into his flesh, and Kurt revelled in nothing more than drunken stupor. Pale flesh became bruised and he remembered cigarette burns and bitter alcohol.

His mind was a mess, and he was a mess too, but maybe, it was for the best.

At around four, he was at it again. Half-dressed – his pants were the only thing that wasn't ruined, back into Scandals and dancing too close to this blonde man that could break him in half if they wanted. They ended up in the bathroom. Kurt gave him a blowjob, the first ever of his life, and then had the man tear off his pants. Now, it was just scary, but the kind of good scary that he needed. Maybe, he wouldn't be able to live with it and kill himself.

His phone rang. He was ninety-nine percent sure it was his Father.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	28. Kurt's Spiral - 2

_this is one of several updates. _

* * *

It was five am when Kurt realised he was in shit trouble. He can't think of where to go. He was crying and screaming and someone stole his money. His iPhone was nowhere to be found. He didn't have his ID, and he was standing in the middle of the road shirtless, fat, with pants that had holes in them.

He finally found his car, and was relived his keys were in his pocket. He can't go home just yet. He found his iPhone somewhere in the back.

41 missed calls from his Father, and 5 messages.

_Kurt, where are you_

_Kurt, if you're in trouble, please answer my calls_

_I'm calling the police_

_Kurt_

_It's four am, please come back home I'm not mad, kiddo – I'm worried._

He read them and cried in the palms of his hands. He found a spare shirt out back, but it still smelled like a slushie. He wore it, and tried to hide his humiliation. He had let two drunken men have sex with him last night on the occasion they'd boast about how thin he was, and he gave another guy a blow-job in the bathroom.

He was fucking petrified.

He coughed on his mucus, wailing and tears before he decided to run to Dalton.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	29. Finn Confesses

_i thought of not updating then realised that you may want to know what's going on with Finn and Burt as well as Kurt so here goes nothing. you'd get chain updates as far as im concerned._

* * *

Finn's hands were shaking. Kurt's bed was empty. Kurt was not around. Kurt had not been here since last night. Kurt's car was missing. Kurt's phone was missing. Kurt was missing.

Burt was fucking going insane.

"Finn, don't just sit there. Call someone. It's six am. Kurt's not home yet. I just don't get it. Why is he doing this? What is going on with the kid? What was going on with him that I didn't see? Is he fine? Do you think he's fine? Fucking hell. I just need him back home," Burt shook his head. "Finn, come on. Call. We're trying the school, and your Mother's calling the boys' Mothers."

Finn nodded his head mutely. He paused for a minute. "I'm gonna go look for him—"

"No, you're not leaving this house. I don't want you to bolt on me too or something. We're going out together to look for him then. Come on," Burt grabbed Finn's wrist, one thumb running across the bone. "I'll get you breakfast and we'll look."

The last thing Finn wanted was food, but he was ashamed to admit that he was thinking of eating as well. Burt was hoping he'd run into Kurt on the way to breakfast. The only thing Finn can do was eat, keep it down and shut up. He was silently panicking.

They were driving for five seconds before Finn blurted it out. "Kurt wants to kill himself."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	30. Finn's Agony

_im not even going to say anything about the mass updating._

* * *

Burt's eyes pierced through Finn's skull. Finn's heart was racing and he swore that sweat was accumulating in his hands. He can only think of the worst possible scenario happening right now.

"What?" Burt's voice was high. "_What do you mean that Kurt wants to kill himself?"_

"Uh…" Finn never wanted it to come out like this. The ravenette felt as if his heart was going to leap out of his chest, and land onto the ground. He felt ashamed. He felt stupid. He felt everything bad that he'd experienced in all of the seventeen years he existed it all in one go. "…he sort of told me."

Burt's eyes were still locked on Finn's face. He said nothing, and that was perhaps the scariest thing that Finn ever had to face.

Finn cleared his throat. "Kurt's been throwing up his food for years, but…like, you noticed me when Kurt blurted it out that I did it too. I think…I didn't know what to do. If I told you that Kurt wanted to kill himself, I'm sure Kurt would just find out and end his life right there. I thought I can fix it. I thought—"

"You're stupid," Burt's voice was rougher than usual. Finn can hear the pain in the man's voice. "Dammit, Finnegan, how would you feel like if you were in my situation, huh?"

Finn didn't want to think about it.

"I'd tell you to get out of the car, but your Mother would throw me off a cliff," Finn hated what Burt was saying to him, but it could be a lot worse.

They sat in silence for a while, and that was when Finn understood why anyone would kill themselves. He kinda wished he never had to understand.

Finn's eyes filled with tears, as he silently stared out of the window. This was going to be a really, really long day.

"How long did you know that my son was planning on killing himself for?"

Finn didn't want to answer, but he sort of had to. "Seven months."

The car came to a halt, and that was when Burt had done the unexpected. Finn had looked up to look at the man before the elder man had slapped him, striking him across the face as hard as possible.

Finn let out a scared whimper, as his eyes bulged with shock. He can see that Burt immediately regretted it, but said nothing. Finn curled up in a ball, bringing his knees close and resting his head on his shoulders. His phone rang. He was just about to reach for it, when Burt snapped.

"Don't answer that phone," the tense man answered, whom he himself had tears filling his eyes.

Finn nodded, looking at the caller ID.

It was Kurt.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	31. Kurt's Spiral - 3

_im not even going to say anything about the mass updating. i updated like 5 chapters so far if you're the type that stumbles on the last chapter. _

* * *

Kurt Hummel drove straight to Dalton, and then found himself running to Blaine's room. He hoped it was the same room. He paused and asked Nick for directions, whom seemed to wonder why Kurt was so frazzled.

He dove past a happy Jeff, and slithered past a sneaky Thad. He opened the doorway to stare at Blaine. Pretty, thin little Blaine, whom was asleep without a care in the world.

Kurt snapped the door shut, and locked it the minute hot a chance. Blaine made a small 'hmm' sound, turning to one side.

Blaine's eyes suddenly slowly opened. Those innocent hazel eyes that didn't understand a thing. "Kurt?" his voice was filled with confusion.

Kurt grabbed Blaine by his shoulder and pulled him up from his bed in the quickest manner he could. The confusion was still riddled in Blaine's eyes. Kurt slammed him against the wall, and pressed his lips against him. Blaine swore Kurt can hear his heartbeat.

Blaine's hands wandered off to Kurt's shirt, throwing it away from the boy's chest and started to suck on Kurt's nipple. Kurt shuddered, wrapping his arms around Blaine's thin waist.

Kurt's eyes widened. Blaine had lost weight. He can tell.

He slammed Blaine towards the bed this time, and pressed his lips against the boy's own. He threw off the ravenette's blazer, practically tearing off his shirt. His hand trailed down Blaine's ribcage, which stood prominent against his skinny frame.

Kurt's lips were pressed against Blaine's collarbones. The thin ravenette shivered against Kurt's worship.

"Kurt—"

"Shhh." Kurt murmured. "Take off the rest of your clothing." He watched Blaine comply without another word. In minutes, he had a scrawny, undernourished ravenette sitting on his bed completely naked. Kurt had never seen anything more beautiful in his life – or anything as disturbing as well.

He heard his phone ring and looked at it.

_Burt: don't kill yourself, Kurt. Just come to me. We can talk. We can help you, kiddo. You don't have to go through this alone._

Kurt snorted, throwing his phone across the room and his pants right after.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	32. Kurt's Breaking Point

_im not even going to say anything about the mass updating. i updated like 6 chapters so far if you're the type that stumbles on the last chapter. _

* * *

Kurt was in Blaine when his breathing got so bad that he had to stop. Kurt looked at Blaine, placing a hand on his cheek. "Blaine? Blaine! Blaine!"

He shook the ravenette only to realise that he couldn't breathe. He was about to speed towards the nearest phone, but Blaine grabbed his hands and squeezed it tightly.

"No, no, no, K-Kurt. Come sit next to me."

"Blaine, you're barely breathing, you…" Kurt's eyes had landed on the bottle of sleeping pills beside Blaine's table. They were empty, and Kurt was completely sure that was what Blaine's chance on taking on his own life.

He could've asked Blaine if he had anymore, but he didn't want Blaine's last memory being of Kurt asking him if he had any more sleeping pills.

Kurt sat down beside him. Blaine's breathing had gone down a notch. It was still wheezing and his chest was still inflating. "Kurt…K-Kurt, I have to tell you something."

Kurt slowly nodded his head, as he moved close to Blaine. Blaine's eyes were filled with tears. "I thought I was going to die alone…but…but I'm not. I'm gonna die happy."

Kurt slowly nodded his head, grasping Blaine's hand. "Shhhhh…"

"Kurt, I'm really sorry." Blaine, as hot tears filled his eyes. "I'm really, really…"

Kurt leaned down and pressed his lips against the younger boy's lips. "Shhhhh…" he cradled Blaine softly, and Blaine finally calmed down, curling up into Kurt's arms as protectively as possible. "I've got you, Blaine."

"You've got me," Blaine finally wheezed out. His voice was in a soft daze. Kurt looked down to stare at Blaine. The boy had stopped wheezing, fast asleep, already getting colder and paler by the second, but there was a small smile that rested on the boy's lips.

Kurt leaned down to press his lips against Blaine's one last time. Cold, too cold.

"I've got you," the brunette whispered.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	33. Finn's Shock

_im not even going to say anything about the mass updating. i updated like 7 chapters so far if you're the type that stumbles on the last chapter. last chapter i update on i swear! _

* * *

Burt was still driving and Finn was still silent. Finn wanted to eat right now, and he was getting incredibly light headed but he didn't want to say anything to Burt just in case he had a horrific comment stated back to him.

Finn stared outside the window, trying to ignore the persistent ache in his stomach. Burt was too worried to eat, and Finn was sad to say he wasn't. He looked at his phone again, trying to call Kurt for the fifth time but no answer.

He finally got a text message, and his eyes widened. "I got a text from Kurt."

Burt nearly stopped driving. "Yeah? What does it say?" his voice was full of haste, and a persistent kind of anger still was strongly presented in his voice.

"Blaine killed himself," Finn finally said. "And Kurt's at Dalton and he's pretty freaked. He saw Blaine die."

Burt was silent now. Finn wondered how Kurt felt like right now. He hoped that that was enough to freak him out from killing himself. He just wished it wasn't this way.

Dalton was full of people freaking out and crying. Finn can hear screaming and sobbing.

Kurt was at the nurse for 'shock' or something like that so Nick had said. Finn had walked to see a completely pale Kurt that was just shaking in his blanket. He was wearing one of the Warblers' Dalton uniform and his jeans had weird holes in them. He swore he can see a cigarette burn on Kurt's knee, but he decided not to say anything about it.

Kurt's lips trembled, and he held his head in his hands. Finn was shocked at how _frightened_ Kurt was.

"Kurt?" Finn called out weakly.

Kurt looked up, looking absolutely traumatised, but then a sudden rush of anger filled those pretty blue eyes. "Get the fuck away from me."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	34. Kurt's Panic

_i'm going to blame this mass updating on Klaine Hummelson right now. yes, i do read my reviews that fast and no, you are not greedy for asking me to update more. I want to update more sdfpdkfpsdfks this is me showing restrain apparently because like I said I have all of it done!_

_as for not expecting Blaine's ED and suicidal tendencies, its kinda because Kurt and Finn didn't see it either. they were focused on themselves because they had so much shit going on they couldn't see what was happening to everyone around them and you see that in this fanfic. another reason is to show irony - because there are multiple times where Kurt and Finn angst about others not noticing, ESPECIALLY Kurt angsting about how others are not noticing how not normal his weight loss was, and his disordered eating habits, whilst Blaine was doing the same, coming up with very weird excuses for eating. _

* * *

Kurt didn't talk to anyone when he'd gotten home, and whenever Burt wanted to touch him, Kurt flinched and walked off. Finn can understand that Burt was actually shocked just at how bad of a state Kurt was in.

One thing Burt had been noticing was Kurt's purging. He had been grabbing the boy's arm and forcing him down. Kurt's retaliation was by crying, but Burt didn't care. He made Kurt sit down.

The brunette's tears would escape those enraged eyes. He'd slam desks, and throw plates in his tantrums and anger, but Burt couldn't really do anything about that.

Burt finally decided enough was enough, and he was going to go to the brunette to approach the topic that had been plaguing his mind.

"Hey," Burt greeted, after knocking the door. He stepped in only to see that Kurt was sitting on his bed, leg-crossed, with a thousand tabloids across his bed. "How are you?"

Kurt looked up at him, glaring. "_Really_? You're asking _me_ that question? Let's see. My ex-boyfriend died in front of me. I have done things on that night that…are…" he shook his head.

"What happened on that night?"

Kurt thought about it for a moment, as if he was still deciding whether or not to tell his Father what had actually happened. He was paler now, and his breathing quickened.

Kurt Hummel was having a panic attack.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	35. Kurt's State

_like i said - blame the mass updating on Klaine Hummelson. also. more chapters. _

* * *

"Kiddo?"

Kurt somehow processed that he was in a room right now. Burt was there. Finn was there. The world seemed to become a blur of thoughts, and all Kurt wanted to do was kill himself as the thoughts raging in his mind was leaving his hands shaky and his tongue tied. He somehow processed the fact that he was sitting down. He stood up and left the room to pace around the house. His eyes were filling. His heart was palpitating in his chest. The darkness was consuming his body, leaving nothing for him to breathe on.

"Kurt?"

He can hear his name, but can't make out the voice – not that he wanted to. Kurt sat down by the stairs, placed his head into his hands, and felt tears rushing into his eyes. All he wanted to do was die as all he can think about was how inadequate he was – that night, that night, that night, that everything went wrong. It was all his fault. Everything was his fault. Him existing was a terrible, terrifying mistake and all he needed to do was die right now. It didn't matter how. He just needed to die. He needed to bleed. He needed to hurt himself. He needed some sort of embodiment of how horrible he was on his body, marking him, marking his skin, burning in his soul – in scars, in scabs, in something.

"Kurt, are you okay?"

Kurt's heart leaped, and it fluttered. Tears were running down his eyes. His heart was racing. His breathing was irregular, and he swore he was going to die – oh, death, could it come any sooner? He wanted to shake his head at the thought. Burt was leaning down towards him to stare at him with huge, concerned eyes. It seemed as if the anxiety had ebbed away and had left him. He was still somehow uncertain, but calmer now. Calmer than before. He waited for his idealisation of death to leave his mind, but it never did. It never had for the last few years.

"Kurt?" Burt repeated. "Are you okay?"

Kurt's statement was simple, clear and cut. He placed his hands onto his knees before looking up to see his Fathers' eyes as if it was a more so convincing act than normal. "I'm just fine."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	36. Finn's Observations

_like i said - blame the mass updating on Klaine Hummelson. also. more chapters. _

* * *

Finn was relieved when Kurt somehow calmed down. Things weren't the same after at all. Kurt walked around in a heavy blue blanket often and just stared out into the window. He was entrapped in his thoughts, and looked very tired and worn down.

Finn kept his food down every day. He was back up to 169lbs now. He just didn't want Burt to care about him anymore. Kurt needed someone. Kurt needed the attention to be on him. He needed to be the spotlight. This was the only way to keep the family glued together.

Family.

Carole tried so hard. She made healthy dinners, and tried to tell Finn that it was only a few calories. They were significantly reduced in calories though if he wasn't gaining weight eating the huge supersized portion she left on his plate. She piled on asparagus, potatoes, and thin films of fish. Kurt was just staring down at his plate as if was empty most days.

Finn was sure Kurt was experiencing some sort of PTSD or something, because he was still sort of shocked. A lot shocked actually now that he thought about it. He did even play with the food on his plate. He didn't look interested. He just looked like he was living in his head. It was weird, and it was sort of scary because Kurt looked like a hollow shell.

The blanket was a security thing, considering it was Blaine's – one of the things the ravenette left over when he was staying over. Burt didn't try to get him to eat, because of how in shock Kurt looked like, how much he was struggling. A week and a half later, the portly man could not stand it and just told Kurt to please try to eat something.

Somehow, that seemed to slip him into reality for the moment, and he looked at the plate as if he was really processing there was food in front of him. He looked so dissociated from reality. Kurt had picked up the fork on the table and began to eat, and Burt had found himself laughing in glee.

Finn was sort of scared. Kurt might not be binging or purging anymore, and didn't seem like he was trying to starve himself either. He didn't look like he was fixated on his weight, just fixated on Blaine's death. He just seemed so fine in some aspect – the bulimic aspect, but was just so not in another aspect. He seemed so numb, so emotionless, but Finn knew Kurt was keeping too much to himself. He wasn't even talking for God's sake. He didn't know what to expect, or why he was just so mistrustful of how Kurt was feeling.

He just knew that Kurt was suffering, and Finn didn't know how. Finn couldn't understand how, and that was the scariest bit of it.

"You like that, kiddo?" Burt asked only to see Kurt look up at the man – the most eye contact he made with anyone these past few days, and then shrug. Burt still took it as something. "You're gonna see the psych tomorrow, alright?"

Kurt nodded his head very slowly to that. Finn cleared his throat. He wondered how a psych session would go with someone who was not willing to talk. Not very good. He wondered if Burt mentioned a thing about Kurt's suicidal tendencies – he would not go anywhere if that was the case. Or maybe he would. New Kurt was different. New Kurt was not Kurt at all, but whatever was left of him. A distant embodiment. That was scary too.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	37. Finn's Plate

_like i said - blame the mass updating on Klaine Hummelson. also. more chapters. _

* * *

They never really talked about Kurt's state of mind anymore. Burt was somehow telling them that Kurt was doing better – that he was fine. Finn begged to differ. Kurt was sort of sick right now, and instead of being in bed, he was in the kitchen.

Finn was too for the most bit. He wondered what Kurt was doing when Finn was in school. He wondered if Kurt cared that people were wondering how he was doing. Rachel and Mercedes decided to come with Finn to home today because they apparently had no contact with Kurt.

Kurt was standing over the stove and apparently, cooking. He was reading from a big black book and staring at the contents of the stove every few minutes. Finn didn't know if he ate yet, or if he was hungry at all. All he knew was that Kurt was hugging the book too tightly to his chest and kept on glancing at it, then adding small tosses of herbs and pepper.

Finn realised that Kurt must be looking at a cookbook since he kept on adding ingredients whenever he looked at it. From what Finn can see, Kurt was making pasta, and a lot of it. Finn didn't know what that mean.

"Hey, Kurt!" Rachel called out happily. His ex girlfriend seemed to be too perky for her own good.

Kurt pretended as if she did not exist, and was continuously cooking the dish before him. He'd let it shimmer before looking back at her. It looked like he didn't recognise anyone, like he was just so tired to compete the fact that she existed. He hugged the open book he had too closely to his chest, and he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. The boy had a thick, beige cardigan over a white blouse.

What made Finn realise that Kurt looked incredibly different was the fact that he was thinner now than he was before. He wondered what the scale would tell them if Kurt stepped on it. He wondered if Kurt cared anymore about his weight.

Somehow, it made Finn a little uneasy if Kurt didn't care at all about what he weighed. It just showed how things have changed, and it sounded like it was for the better but Finn honestly did not know.

After Kurt was done, he recalibrated his food scale to a measuring cup and added a small amount into the cup before he added it to a bowl. Finn realised that it was a children's portion for one. Finn wondered if he was going to watch Kurt eat it, but Kurt had instead placed the bowl in front of Finn.

The brunette knew that the ravenette did not eat – Kurt was around Finn all day long.

Rachel was raising her eyebrow. "Kurt...uh...doesn't that seem a little small to you?"

Kurt only blinked repeatedly in response. Mercedes glared at Rachel for her seemingly innocuous question. "You've officially cracked." She wanted to sound light, but her voice was heavy and full of pain. "Kurt, look at me."

Kurt glanced at her for a few seconds, but then left to go get himself a plateful. His plateful was much more than Finn's apparently, though Finn had a suspicion that Kurt was probably not going to finish all of it.

"I thought he was in therapy?" Rachel asked, and Finn suddenly felt pissed off, because Kurt was standing there in front of her and she was talking as if he was made out of stone though by this point, Finn didn't know what was the difference between stone and Kurt's expressions and reactions.

Finn nodded his head. "This is better than normal," he decided. Normally, Kurt would be in bed, doing absolutely nothing. At least he was _moving_. That was something.

Rachel snorted, not really getting it. "Then what's normal? Him just lying flat and playing dead?"

Finn slowly nodded his head, and all humour was drained from Rachel's face. "Oh," her voice was soft, a whisper. Mercedes shook her head. They can see how Kurt had been reduced to whatever _this_ was.

Kurt was eating and looked at Finn's plate. Finn guessed that he had to eat too. A part of him was wondering on about the calorie content, but it didn't taste amazing – tasted kind of bland actually now that he thought about it, but he kept on eating it because he was hungry. When it was done, he was still hungry.

Kurt was still eating, shoving pieces of tofu-rich pasta down his throat, and then he stopped halfway through, done with his plate. He looked at Finn's for a while, and Finn didn't really understand what Kurt was feeling or what was in his head, but for the first time in a long time, the brunette smiled. It was the first time Finn had seen in months, and he was scared to know that he did not know why that smile even existed.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	38. Finn's Cooperation

_okay. last update for a while. :P not much is left anyway i think?_

* * *

A few days of binging and purging had left Finn with a weight gain of three pounds. Kurt himself was very stoic and pale, and barely ate. Finn realised later on that Kurt would only eat if Finn would follow a strictly tailored regime on Kurt's watch.

Kurt always served himself a proper portion – granted he only ate half of it and very rarely finished the meal, but Finn was always given a very small portion, but apparently, whatever this was – it made Kurt smile.

It only took Burt and Carole a few more days to figure out what Finn was doing. He was letting Kurt starve him just because it seemed to elect some sort of response from the brunette. Any eating out of the schedule – anything odd – made Kurt unresponsive to anything for a few days. Kurt definitely did more when he fed Finn, though it barely constituted as feeding.

Soon enough, the weight was dropping off Finn again, and he didn't know what to do. Everything was triggering. He felt fat and insecure, and felt as if Kurt was telling him to lose weight – Kurt with his shattered state of mind, that didn't know what to do. Finn had seen Kurt make massive meals – but served only a small portion for Finn, and a medium portion for himself before dumping the rest out.

It was always like this somehow. Carole's patience was starting to wear thin. Burt was finding it hard not to encourage Finn to keep on doing whatever it was that he was doing – when Burt perfectly knew what was going on.

"No," Carole had finally decided when Finn had stepped out of the room two weeks into Kurt's regime. He'd somehow been able to lose ten pounds in that span, hitting 159.4 again. According to the frame thing that Kurt showed him some time ago, this meant that he had a BMI of 17.9 and he did not know if he can lose any more weight without vowing to never gain it again. "No, Finnegan. Don't."

"I've gotta," Finn finally stated, shaking his head. "Kurt is..."

"Don't kill yourself for Kurt," Carole finally decided. Burt looked like he wanted to protest, but what could the man say? _I value you less than I do my son, please kill yourself for him_? Carole placed a hand on Finn's shoulder. "Too thin, Finnegan. Too thin."

"I don't think he looks that bad," Burt finally pitched in. "He's pretty thin – yeah, not rail thin."

Finn's words exactly when he was ten pounds higher, but now coming out of Burt's mouth, he felt as if they were true. He wouldn't forget them very easily.

"Burt!" Carole snapped at him. "Don't put my son's life in danger just because of Kurt. Kurt will break through with the therapy. He has to."

"What if he doesn't?"

That thought scared Finn more than he realised. He looked at Kurt. He'd rather be dead than have Kurt go on like that. The brunette was making another meal and looked very invested in it. It was 15.24, the time that Kurt always made lunch in.

"I've gotta," Finn repeated, staring at Kurt. "Look at him. He's just..."

"Look at you, Finnegan," Carole finally snapped, and he did. His eyes somehow made it towards the mirror. He can only see fat in his body and it made him cringe. Him rail thin? No. He would never be like that. He would never look alright. "Look at _you_."

Finn nodded his head. At least with Kurt, he was losing weight, and Burt was happy. Maybe Carole would learn to be happy too. Maybe they can rebuilt what was left of their family. "Do you know what he does if I don't eat what he makes me? If I eat more than he lets me? He doesn't do anything. He just sits in his room. He doesn't leave to shower, and he barely sleeps and he doesn't eat. I have to literally force him to drink something, just a little something. Dammit, Mom. I can't stand it. He's not going to get well with the therapy. Kurt's stubborn. He needs to have things his way. He just..."

Burt nodded his head. Carole looked angry.

"So you're going to die for him, Finnegan? You're very thin, and your body is not going to support itself on the diet that Kurt is giving you – he's killing you."

Finn felt hot tears in his eyes. "Then let me die. Let me die and let him live. _Please_."

Carole's eyes were wide at Finn's confession, before the ravenette added on. "I don't want to live in guilt if he dies before me."

Carole shook her head still. "Nobody's going to die in this house, Finnegan. I won't allow it. And I won't allow this."

Hot tears spilled over Finn's face, and he found himself looking into the kitchen again. Kurt was measuring things on the food scale – chilli made with beans no doubt from the smell. Finn walked inside, and Carole and Burt soon came following afterwards to see the situation at hand. Kurt was holding the plateful he had made for Finn and Finn shook his head.

"Kurt, I'm sorry, but...you know, you can't keep doing this to me," Finn tried to handle the situation. "I..."

"This isn't good, honey," Carole tried to bring some sense to Kurt. "You don't want Finn to be sick off the little you're feeding him, right?"

Carole smiled at Kurt when he did not respond. It was better than leaving as far as she was concerned. "There. That's good, right? We're going to get you a lot of help and—"

Kurt had dropped the plate down, crashing it into a thousand pieces. Just as Carole was frightened for what he'd do, Kurt had left the room without a second glance at the mess he'd made. Finn wondered if anyone was going after Kurt to confront his behaviour but it was so risky – too risky when Kurt was literally battling not to take his life, when all he wanted for so long was to end himself.

Finn pursed his lips. "I told you," he said to what felt like thin air. He liked being right usually, but not this time. He didn't like it – not at all.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	39. Finn's Downward Spiral

_i only have very few __chapters left so i decided to upload them all at once. enjoy?_

* * *

Carole gave up. She let Finn do whatever he wanted – which was in this case, help Kurt. A part of Finn knew that it was definitely because she believed that Kurt was going to die soon anyway – the brunette looked sick. His weight was the last thing on Finn's mind for one – he just looked sick, no matter what he weighed. He did not look sickly thin, and he'd lost weight initially but that seemed to stop.

A little bit of persuasion after dinner had Kurt stepping on the scale. He was 138.5 apparently, and Finn did not know how that looked on him considering that the boy was always decked in cardigans and huge blankets, anything to cover those shoulders.

A few weeks in, and the New Directions were worried. He'd heard it all. Sam cornered him a few days ago, grabbing him by his shoulder and staring at him. "Dude, dude, are you making yourself throw up again? You're looking like you shaved off twenty too many pounds or something."

Finn shook his head. "No," he was being honest.

"Look – I know you're going through a tough time with Kurt," Sam nodded his head, 'but this is no way to deal with it or anything."

"I love Kurt," and it was then – that moment that he'd said it – that he realised how much he loved Kurt, how in love with Kurt he was, how he'd do anything for him – including die for him, and it scared him. "I think I may be in love with Kurt."

Sam slowly nodded his head. "Well, love's killing you."

"I guess that's what it does," Finn shrugged, but then gave Sam a soft smile. Sam didn't smile back at him, and that did sorta hurt. Sam just left, shaking his head at Finn, as if the jock had disappointed him. Finn didn't blame him. He was disappointed in himself for one. He found himself walking down the hallway, thinking about Blaine sometimes, and then thinking about how far Kurt had fallen.

He sort of expected to see Kurt in Glee all the time, but of course, the chair was empty. It was a miracle Kurt was alive these days. After the confrontation with Sam, nobody really said anything, but mostly because it wouldn't make a difference.

After fifteen days had passed since Sam had confronted him, Finn was pushed backwards by Mr Schue, whom was shaking his head at the boy. "Finn, what's going on?"

Apparently, he'd lost too much weight for people not to worry. He'd weighed too little for people not to worry. 142.8 on the scale today. BMI of 16.0 with his frame. That was a scary number for him. Everything was scaring him. The football team made fun of how thin he was. Carole and Burt were yelling at each other and crying. The only one that seemed to be benefitting from this was Kurt.

Finn responded with the only thing he could – the truth. "I don't know anymore, Mr Schue."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	40. Finn's Response

_one more chapter after this._

* * *

Carole had just had enough, but Finn could not predict what she would have done next, as she grabbed Kurt by his shoulders from when he was making himself a cup of coffee, spilling the hot liquid all over the boy's frame. As if the punishment from the liquid was not enough, she slapped Kurt.

Kurt didn't seem to respond to that either. He just looked down at her, with that mark on his cheek. Burt had rushed to Kurt's aid, grabbing his shoulder and looking at him. "Kurt? Kurt? Look at me."

Burt was furious at the woman, but Finn can't blame his Mother. She was scared, and she blamed it all on Kurt. Carole shook her head at Kurt, with hot tears falling from her face. "What are you doing, Kurt? What is this for? Whatever it is – and honestly, I don't care anymore – leave my son out of this."

"Carole," Burt snapped back at the woman.

"Look at him!" Carole snapped, causing Finn to shudder. "He looks sick. He looks emaciated. He looks weak. He needs a hospital and it's all because of Kurt."

"Can you blame my kid?" Burt chose to fight for the unresponsive Kurt. There was too much screaming nowadays as far as Finn was concerned, from where he sat down watching this all happen. He wished they'd stop yelling. He'd wished that Kurt had more life in him. "He's traumatised. He's confused. You can't blame him when he doesn't have a right state of mind, Carole."

Carole slowly but surely nodded her head, but then shook her head. "I don't want Finn around Kurt anymore."

"Mom, no," Finn shook his head. "Don't take me away from Kurt. I'll just worry and starve myself anyway. Just don't—"

"He's _murdering_ you," Carole reminded him, her voice harder than normal. Kurt didn't seem to respond to any of that, but Finn can see the sadness in those eyes, the horrible weight that was on his shoulders. "Look at what he did to you."

"I let him do this to me," Finn decided to say, shaking his head. "Because I'd rather me look like this than have him die. I love him."

They'd never realise how powerful that last statement was. Kurt's eyes were duller now, but there it was – that small amount of emotion that Finn learned how to read.

"And I'm sure he loves me too."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	41. Kinn's Ending

_last chapter and then we are faced with muscle dysmorphic/anorexic Kurtbastian as a fanfic._

* * *

15.2. that was Finn's BMI when Kurt had seemed to decide that enough was enough. Finn didn't quite understand it until he found the black book that Kurt had carried around, and when he read it, every page and every word, saw every number, he realised what was going on, and realising what was going on was supposed to bring him some sort of relief, but the result was worse than Finn can ever imagine.

Kurt had opened up a bottle of sleeping pills and left them on the table. Finn didn't know who to blame for this, for Kurt's state, for Blaine's state – for his own state. He didn't even think he cared anymore. He just watched as Kurt moved towards him. They kissed, and they had sex. It wasn't like the first time because this was devoid of anything. Finn told Kurt that he loved him. Kurt didn't have to say anything.

Kurt never had to say anything.

Somehow, there they were, entangled into each other. Finn knew what was going on. Kurt was a planner. Kurt liked to plan things. Kurt liked to plan how much he wanted to weigh, how perfect his suicide was going to be, how well-planned out everything was. His future, his plans, but one thing that threw him off target was Blaine's death – Blaine's suicide was not planned.

Now, it was as far as Finn was concerned. That big black book was nothing more than an intake book. Blaine's last recorded weight gave him a BMI of 15.2, that was straight before he died a day later. Finn had that BMI now. Finn was just playing in Kurt's mind – this was the way that reality was supposed to be, planned in that distorted mind of his. Finn was sick from the realisation.

There were a few times that Finn had insisted on going to therapy with Kurt, and Kurt had let out the story of how Blaine died. It was the first time he'd spoken in a long time. They thought that he was getting better, but everyone always thought wrong. Everyone didn't know Kurt like Finn did. The sleeping pills – Kurt remembered the brand, the very brand he was cradling in his hands.

He took the pills, and then Finn held him tightly, pressing his head against his shoulder and listening to his heartbeat slowly disappear from existence. Finn had the story memorised, and this was just how it was supposed to go. There was no other way around it, and he'd always played the part he had to play. "I've got you, Kurt."

Kurt's eyes seemed to be in some sort of surrealism. He smiled, and for once, that smile was so genuine that Finn's heart had broke. "You've got me?"

He moved in his place, thinking about the fat that was covering his body, as he brought Kurt closer to him. He can smell Kurt's skin and his tears. He'd always smelled so beautiful even when in the dimness. "I've got you."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


End file.
